#rand

A blanket could be used to keep me single. Not that I need any help from anybody or anything to stay single. Actually, to stay single, I need the full cooperation of the entire female population, which is kind of impressive, because in conclusively and inclusively agreeing not to date me, it's like the first time in human history a collective has ever fully agreed on something. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

You think Bernadette Maguire killed him?” “Uh… no. She’s, like I said, she’s old.” “Old people can kill people too.” “I know, but…” “She could be a ninja.” “She’s not a ninja, for God’s sake. She’s somebody’s great grandmother.” “I want you to think carefully about this, Kenny. Have you ever seen her with a sword?” “What?” “How about throwing stars?” “This is ridiculous.” “Have you ever seen her dressed up as a ninja? That would have been my first clue.” The girl sucked in her cheeks so she wouldn't laugh out loud. ↗

— Derek Landy

#laugh #ninja #death

My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#family #fight #grandpa #murder #patricide

Peabody, you never cease to amaze me." "One day I'll tell you about my granny and her five lovers." "Five lovers isn't abnormal for a woman's lifetime." "Not in her lifetime; last month. All at the same time." Peabody glanced up, deadpan. "She's ninety-eight. I hope to take after her. ↗

— J.D. Robb

#grandmother #lovers #death

And like that, I said goodbye to my grandmother like we were two people who met in a coffee shop, shared a lifetime of stories and left wanting more, but knowing we’d meet there again. ↗

— Darnell Lamont Walker

#family #grandmother #sorrow #death

The day she was born,her grandfather made her a ring of silver and a polished stone, because he loved her already. ↗

— Aliki

#death #grandparent #grief #love #death

some days are like being pecked to death by ducks ↗

— Unknown

#death

Ish #19 "If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking? ↗

— Regina Griffin

#funny-but-true #funny-quotes #humor #humorous #diet

Think of yourself as a brand. You need to be remembered. What will they remember you for? What defines you? If you have it in you, do something that defines you. Invent something, develop a unique skill, get noticed for something — it creates a talking point. ↗

— Chris Arnold

#chris-arnold #create #creativity #design #develop

After a long moment I closed the freezer door. I wanted to lie down and press my cheek against the cool linoleum. Instead I reached out with my little finger and flipped the Barbie's head. It went thack thack against the door. I flipped it again. Thack thack. Whee. I had a new hobby. ↗

— Jeff Lindsay

#random #dreams