#si

Never miss a good chance to shut up. ↗

— Will Rogers

#funny #reticence #silence #funny

Jazz isn't dead. It just smells funny. ↗

— Frank Zappa

#music #funny

Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks. ↗

— Holly Black

#funny #ironside #funny

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days. ↗

— Jon Stewart

#always #been #canada #could #country

I can't eat and I can't sleep. I'm not doing well in terms of being a functional human, you know? ↗

— Ned Vizzini

#sadness #suicide #funny

I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#america #drink #funny #humor #love

The reason I want you to put a shirt on is, well, because, um..." "You've never seen a guy with his shirt off?" "Ha, ha. Very funny. Believe me, you don't have anything I haven't seen before." "Wanna bet?" he says, then moves his hands to the button on his jeans and pops it open. Isabel walks in at that exact moment. "Whoa, Alex. Please keep your pants on. ↗

— Simone Elkeles

#undressing #funny

I waste at least an hour every day lying in bed. Then I waste time pacing. I waste time thinking. I waste time being quiet and not saying anything because I'm afraid I'll stutter. ↗

— Ned Vizzini

#sadness #suicide #funny

I've got the Mark of Cain," said Simon. "That means nothing can kill me, right?" "You can kill yourself," Magnus said, somewhat unhelpfully. "As far as I know, inanimate objects can accidentally kill you. So if you were planning on teaching yourself the lambada on a greased platform over a pit full of knives, I wouldn't." "There goes my Saturday. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#city-of-lost-souls #funny #humor #lambada #magnus-bane

The truth is like a nipple: the more you twist it, the more somebody is going to get hurt. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#nipple #simile #truth #funny