#ss

The university awarded me my degree, but can something that’s basically worthless be properly called an award?
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#college #degree #fraud #funny #humor

I think I found your vampire,” Andrew said, except this time he wasn’t so amused. However, Gabriella was, her smile huge as she laughed, the sound a trill in the densely packed cold air. “You think this is funny?” The words came out surly, but Andrew couldn’t stop his lips from twitching over her amusement. “I thought they’d be bigger,” she said, stifling another round of giggles. “Are you okay?” “Just a flesh wound. ↗

— Laura Kreitzer

#fantasy #fiction #key-of-pearl #laura-kreitzer #paranormal-fantasy

I consider abortion to be a deeply personal and intimate issue for women and I don't believe male legislators should even vote on the issue. ↗

— Alan K. Simpson

#believe #consider #deeply #even #i

I'm an artist, and I go in the studio and make my music. And then I'll give it to my dad and he does what he does. And he does, you know, the press, and figuring out shows and whatnot. When it comes to my artistic freedom, he doesn't, like, step on my toes or anything. ↗

— Ashlee Simpson

#artist #artistic #comes #dad #does

Certainly paleontologists have found samples of an extremely small fraction, only, of the earth's extinct species, and even for groups that are most readily preserved and found as fossils they can never expect to find more than a fraction. ↗

— George G. Simpson

#earth #even #expect #extinct #extremely

Cottontail knocked on the big front door and was admitted to the Palace. There she stood in her funny country clothes but none of the other four Easter Bunnies laughed, for they were wise and kind and knew better. ↗

— DuBose Heyward

#funny

What I advise clients is, sell, pay the tax and be happy. Don't ask me to find a replacement unless it's land. ↗

— Mike Simpson

#ask #be happy #clients #find #happy

Good advice is one of those injuries which a good man ought, if possible, to forgive, but at all events to forget at once. ↗

— Horace Smith

#advice #events #forget #forgive #good

No, Roger had not seen the funny side. But there had been a moment when, after looking at his watch, he had thought: I can remember when Christmas morning would start at about half past ten with a glass of Buck's Fizz in bed. Now it begins at half past five, with a test of my fine motor skills and ability to read Korean. ↗

— John Lanchester

#children #christmas #relaxation #toys #funny

Happiness does not create humor. There's nothing funny about being happy. Sadness creates humor. ↗

— Charles M. Schulz

#humor #sadness #funny