#t

Peter to Austin: "Hard-ons don't make you think less. They make you think stupid. Which makes me think you must have one 24/7. ↗

— Dani Alexander

#gay #glbt #humor #insults #mm

When life gives you lemons. . . You might as well shove 'em where the sun don't shine, because you sure as hell aren't ever going to see any lemonade. ↗

— Rob Thurman

#lemonade #lemons #nightlife #humor

You’re not as sexy as I think you are.” She squinted. Wait. That hadn’t come out right. ↗

— Thea Harrison

#tricks #humor

Give the People what they want - and they'll get what they deserve. ↗

— The Kinks

#irony #life-lessons #popular-culture #rock-music #wit

Hugh consoled me, saying, "Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at." When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come up with a few more, but he'll need some time to think. ↗

— David Sedaris

#iq #smart #talent #humor

Man makes plans . . . and God laughs. ↗

— Michael Chabon

#futility #humor

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened. ↗

— Michel de Montaigne

#inspirational #humor

Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner) ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#politics #humor

Sure am glad I'm not royalty," I muttered. "I wouldn't want to have to bump uglies with someone I can't stand. On a regular basis. And no one else." "Ow!" I exclaimed, trying to yank my fingers from Trent but finding them caught. Then I colored, realizing what I'd said. "Oh… sorry," I stammered, meaning it. "That was insensitive." Trent's frown turned into a sly smirk. "Bump uglies?" he said, eyes on the table behind me. "You are a font of gutter slang, Rachel. We must do this again. ↗

— Kim Harrison

#relationships #humor

I’m glad you think so. I’ve always considered my sense of humor to be largely underappreciated, so it’s nice to finally meet a fan. ↗

— Rachel Vincent

#humor