#t

Sure am glad I'm not royalty," I muttered. "I wouldn't want to have to bump uglies with someone I can't stand. On a regular basis. And no one else." "Ow!" I exclaimed, trying to yank my fingers from Trent but finding them caught. Then I colored, realizing what I'd said. "Oh… sorry," I stammered, meaning it. "That was insensitive." Trent's frown turned into a sly smirk. "Bump uglies?" he said, eyes on the table behind me. "You are a font of gutter slang, Rachel. We must do this again. ↗

— Kim Harrison

#relationships #humor

I’m glad you think so. I’ve always considered my sense of humor to be largely underappreciated, so it’s nice to finally meet a fan. ↗

— Rachel Vincent

#humor

Punctuation, is? fun! ↗

— Daniel Keyes

#punctuation #humor

On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#birthday #clone #funny #humor #funny

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body. ↗

— George Carlin

#fitness #humor #humor

Purple light passed over the paper, but nothing happened. "Next!" Amy said. She was sure the man in black was going to burst in on them any second. "Whoa!" Dan said. Amy gripped his arm. "You found it?" "No, but look! This whole essay - 'To the Royal Academy.' He wrote a whole essay on farts!" Dan grinned with delight. "He's proposing a scientific study on different fart smells. You're right, Amy. This guy was a genius! ↗

— Rick Riordan

#ben-franklin #dan-cahill #essay #fart #humor

When did you suddenly become Mister Maturity? ↗

— Michael Buckley

#humor #humor

8:58 We go to McDonald's. The woman in front of me in line spends more than five seconds contemplating her order. This infuriates me, "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?? MC-SEABASS?? IT'S THE GODDAMN MCDONALDS'S MENU, IT'S BEEN THE SAME FOR TEN YEARS! IT'S ALL MCSHIT!JUST ORDER! ↗

— Tucker Max

#insult #mcdonalds #humor

It's the perfect solution. We argue all the time. We can't stand each other. It's like we're already married." -Leo Hathaway to Cat- ↗

— Lisa Kleypas

#hathaways #humor #leo #marriage #humor

Courtesy of their tempers, both were now dressed in the Captain Asshole costume—which included, for no extra charge, the cape of disgrace, the booties of shame, and keys to the Fuck Up mobile. ↗

— J.R. Ward

#humor #tohrment #humor