#u

Aside from criminology, I’d say archaeology has the highest body count. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#criminology #funny #humor #funny

I snatched up the cardboard cup, plastered my lips to the plastic sippy-lid and sucked down a scalding hot mouthful. It burned, but I didn’t give a damn. I held the cup to my chest as if it were my most special friend while feeling the instant affect the coffee had on my mood and I smiled. “Hello lover. ↗

— Ethan Day

#funny #funny

As for your punishment, Midwife, you’ll receive the standard penalty for treason. We’re disbarring you from Our psyche. Put him on the next neurotransmitter bound for the temporal lobe. He can spend the rest of his days quivering in fear and wavering between short and long-term memory. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #midwifery #treason #funny

Bags! ↗

— Terry Goodkind

#book #curse #funny #humor #magic

The only activity a cynic will find contagious is yawning, that is, with other people, at other people. ↗

— Criss Jami

#bore #boredom #boring #contagious #cynic

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil! ↗

— Golda Meir

#funny #moses #funny

He blinked a few times, each motion so slow that he was never quite sure if he’d get his eyes open again. He wasn’t wearing a shirt. Funny how he was only just realizing it. Funnier still that he couldn’t seem to summon any concern for her maidenly sensibilities. She might be blushing. He couldn’t tell. It was too dark to see. But it didn’t matter. This was Honoria. She was a good egg. A sensible egg. She wouldn’t be scarred forever by the sight of his chest. ↗

— Julia Quinn

#julia-quinn #just-like-heaven #marcus #funny

Is that clear?" said Borcht "as clear as pea soup" I said ↗

— James Patterson

#funny

I had a funny feeling as I saw the house disappear, as though I had written a poem and it was very good and I had lost it and would never remember it again. ↗

— Raymond Chandler

#crime #marlowe #noir #funny

The nice thing about wading in earthly pleasures is that if you make it to heaven, the landfills are full of pruned feathers and God’s silky beard trimmings. And if you don’t make it to heaven, at least you’ll have fond memories of the air-conditioned garbage truck. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #garbage #humor #funny