#u

My cape caught fire. I dived to the sand and rolled on the ground to snuff the flames. So much for my grand entrance. ↗

— Maria V. Snyder

#humor

There's something about sports. You can be setting fire to cats and burying them in your backyard, but as long as you're playing team sports, people think you're okay. ↗

— Polly Horvath

#sports #humor

Wow, thank you so much for the compliment!" Patty answered brightly, to end things. At the time, she believed that it was because she was so selflessly team-spirited that direct personal compliments made her so uncomfortable. The autobiographer now thinks that compliments were like a beverage she was unconsciously smart enough to deny herself even one drop of, because her thirst for them was infinite. ↗

— Jonathan Franzen

#freedom

But I can't see how anyone could believe that you killed the bear with a pitchfork,' I said. 'I didn't. I only wounded it - badly, I think, but not enough to put it out of action. It came blundering towards me, I stepped aside and it crashed head-first into the river - I could hear it threshing about in the darkness. I picked up a big stone - poor brute, I hated to do it but I had to finish it off. It gave just one groan as the stone hit it and then went down. I held the lantern high; I could see the bubbles coming up. And then I saw the dark bulk of it under the water, being carried along by the current.' 'But you didn't have a lantern,' I said. 'He didn't have a bear,' said Topaz. ↗

— Dodie Smith

#i-capture-the-castle #humor

I have discovered that the world over, unusual weather prevails at all times of the year. ↗

— Edgar Rice Burroughs

#humor #weather #humor

Sacrificing minions: is there any problem it CAN'T solve? ↗

— Rich Burlew

#humor

Your function as a critic is to show that it is really you yourself who should have written the book, if you had had the time, and since you hadn't you are glad that someone else had, although obviously it might have been done better. ↗

— Stephen Potter

#criticism #humor #writing #humor

I learned to fly on a broom," he said, rolling up his sleeves. "I can learn to milk a goat, I bet." Though flying on a broom proved to be the easier task, he found. ↗

— Gregory Maguire

#humor

I'm fully aware that some of the stuff I write is going to offend people or p*ss them off. They should be fully aware that I don't really care. ↗

— Briana Blair

#humor #sarcasm #humor

Fone Bone: HOLD IT! Thorn thinks Gran'ma Ben can help us get back to Boneville! Phoney Bone: IT'S NOT WORTH IT! LET GO OF ME! Fone Bone: Would you wait a minute?!! We can explain everything! Phoney Bone: HELP! HELP! They've destroyed my cousin's brain!! OH MY GOSH! THey've already milked you haven't they?!! ↗

— Jeff Smith

#humor