#u

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance? ↗

— Ronald Reagan

#laziness #sloth #work #humor

Arianne had her feet up on the table, wearing a striped conductor's cap. Arriane was fixated on the game. A chocolate cigar bobbed between her lips as she contemplated her next move. Roland was giving Arianne the hawk eye. "Checkmate, bitch," Arianne said triumphantly, knocking over Roland's king. ↗

— Lauren Kate

#humor #humor

It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt ↗

— Mark Twain

#humor

Hallucinations are bad enough. But after awhile you learn to cope with things like seeing your dead grandmother crawling up your leg with a knife in her teeth. Most acid fanciers can handle this sort of thing. But nobody can handle that other trip-the possibility that any freak with $1.98 can walk into the Circus-Circus and suddenly appear in the sky over downtown Las Vegas twelve times the size of God, howling anything that comes into his head. No, this is not a good town for psychedelic drugs. ↗

— Hunter S. Thompson

#humor

I am not always good and noble. I am the hero of this story, but I have my off moments. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#humor #imperfect #humor

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God? ↗

— George Deacon

#god #humor #power #religion #humor

Other than the voices in my head, I think I’m pretty normal. ↗

— Tom Upton

#young-adult #humor

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think. ↗

— George Carlin

#humor

A witch, a vampire, and a pixy walk into a bar, I thought as I led the way into the Squirrel’s End. It was early, and the sun had yet to set when the door swung shut behind Jenks, sealing us in the warm air smelling faintly of smoke. Immediately Nick yanked it open to come in behind us. And there’s the punch line. ↗

— Kim Harrison

#humor #rachel-morgan #romance #vampire #humor

Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. ↗

— Ambrose Bierce

#humor #sarcasm #taste #humor