#u

I stitched an itch to my side. As far as surgeries go, I’m just barely scratching the surface.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #itch #itching

It’s hard to wear a Speedo and pose with an erection. Still, I’ve got to try, every Saturday from 9 am to 8:59 pm.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #random #random-thought

A clone’s most valuable function would be as a gift giver, because who else but you knows exactly what you want? Only your clone. And besides being the perfect gift, it’d also be a surprise, because it’s not like you bought your own gift. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #random #random-thought

I’ve got a pocket full of cash, and a condom full of erection.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #random #random-thought

Think your mother will let me drive you to school tomorrow? Now that we're all friends and united by a belief in the careful use of contraception?" My cheeks burn, the memory of my mother's mortifying behavior distracting me for a moment. "Yes," I mumble. "I think so. ↗

— Stacey Jay

#romeo #funny

A karate black belt would make a great blindfold on a kidnap victim, after you karate chop them into submission.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #blindfold #funny #humor #karate

Fredrick gazed into the deep blue eyes of Jackson for a few seconds before answering. “I’d like the best room in the hotel.”
 “We have hundreds of rooms here, and all of them are the best.”
 “How can they all be number one? Only one can be number one.”
 “Ah, this is true. And this is false. What’s the best to you may be worst to someone else. Since every room here is completely different, each room is number one to someone, even if that same room is number two to someone else.”
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— Jarod Kintz

#competition #customer-service #funny #guest-service #hospitality

The first place where self-esteem begins its journey is within us. ↗

— Stephen Richards

#cosmic-ordering #law-of-attraction #mind-body-spirit #mind-power #money

How funny we are, I thought, the way we dance about each other, each afraid of being hurt by the other. ↗

— Judith Merkle Riley

#funny

Dark Jar Tin Zoo’s face is sallow, his cheeks sunk in, and he looks like Edvard Munch’s “The Scream,” only less colorful. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#dark-jar-tin-zoo #edvard-munch #funny #humor #sallow