#um

Some people have a hard time walking and chewing gum at the same time. Not me I cant ever get the gum out of the wrapper! ↗

— Bill Myers

#humor

A few moments later Mom opened my door and peered in at me. "Logan Hansen is here to see you." If it had been anyone else in the world, I would have told my mother to send him away. Santa Claus himself could have shown up to explain his whereabouts since my childhood, and I would have turned him out. ↗

— Janette Rallison

#love #santa #humor

North is a powerful man, and you're still connected to him." Flo frowned. "Probably sexual memory, those Capricorns are insatiable. Well, you know. Sea Goat. And of course, you're a Fish. You'll end up back in bed with him." Andie slammed the car door. "You know what I'd like for Christmas, Flo? Boundaries. You can gift me early if you'd like. ↗

— Jennifer Crusie

#mothers-and-daughters #relationships #sex #humor

My feet are completely flat, but for most of my life they were still shaped like feet. Now, thanks to bunions, they're shaped more like states, wide boring ones that nobody wants to drive through. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor

We'd even devised the Buffy scale of life relationships: you start off wanting Xander, spend your twenties going out with Spike and setttle down with giles. ↗

— Jenny Colgan

#humor

Forget Jack, I'm in love with the cold, dirt floor. ↗

— Ann Brashares

#bridget #humor #sisterhood #humor

No more hanky-panky or you get more evil. ↗

— Michelle Rowen

#humor

I have no culture, no humane harmony in my brains. I can't live without a culture anymore. ↗

— Kurt Vonnegut

#humor #humor

I sometimes think that the saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities- a sense of humor and a sense of proportion. ↗

— Franklin D. Roosevelt

#humor #proportion #united-states #usa #humor

If I were you, And you were I, I would kill myself, But you would die! ↗

— Bruce Jennings

#insult #humor