#um

Speak softly and employ a huge man with a crowbar. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#paraphrased #humor

Your mum pounced on her and started sucking away. Would’ve been arousing if not for all the screaming.” “Ian,” Bones drew out warningly. He grinned. “You’re right. I was aroused anyway. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#humor #ian #humor

No adolescent ever wants to be understood, which is why they complain about being misunderstood all the time. ↗

— Stephen Fry

#complaints #humor #understanding #humor

Call me sentimental, but there's no-one in the world that I'd like to see get dysentery more than you ↗

— David Nicholls

#humor

I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian! ↗

— Bill Watterson

#dessert #humor #humor

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”? ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

People usually asked her if she had a belly button. Of course she had a belly button. She couldn't explain how. She didn't really want to know. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#bellybutton #humor #humor

You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house. ↗

— Justin Halpern

#humor

He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, right?" "Like what?" "Like hitting on you." "Ew. No, of course not. He doesn't see me that way." Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee. "What? You think he does?" "Sometimes he looks at you a little... oddly, that's all. Maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants you for your blood." "Again, Ew! What's with you this morning?" "Not enough coffee. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#funny #ghost-town #humor #michael-glass #morganville-vampires

Ayame: "Yuki, let's deepen the bond between us brothers!" Yuki: "Before you can do that I'll drown you in the deepest part of that lake." Ayame: "As long as we spend time together." Yuki: "On second thought, go drown yourself. ↗

— Natsuki Takaya

#fruits-basket #humor #manga #natsuki-takaya #yuki