#us

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#building #choose #down #elevator #escalator

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#confusing #die #fun #i #other

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#dangerous #driver #drunk #persuasive #very

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.' ↗

— Demetri Martin

#dude #ever #fine #gonna #i

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.' ↗

— Demetri Martin

#before #church #come #dropped #everybody

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#going #i #important #just #keeping

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#catching #especially #feeling #happen #happened

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.' ↗

— Demetri Martin

#computer #cool #forceful #get #help

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#always #blush #first #hard #i

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#disposal #garbage #i #i do #out