#us

Xxxx xxxx x xxxx, xxxxx xxx x xxx xxx x xxxx. Xxxx xxxx xxxx x xxxxx xxxx xx Xxxxxxx. ↗

— Pseudonymous Bosch

#funny #humor #nonsense #pseudonymous #the-name-of-this-book-is-secret

*Appendix usually means "small outgrowth from large intestine," but in this case it means "additional information accompanying main text." Or are those really the same things? Think carefully before you insult this book. ↗

— Pseudonymous Bosch

#boch #funny #humor #pseudonymous #funny

The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#attempted-murder #authorities #choke #choking #crime

My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica? 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#accompany #bizarre #funny #harmonica #humor

I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#alcohol #bizarre #drink #freeze #froze

When I hear Jazz, my first instinct is to lean over to the guy next to me and whisper, "Fourth floor, please. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #jazz #music #funny

Husband: a man with hopes of being a lover who settles for being a provider, causing his wife to grow suspicious of her depleting jewelry box. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #husband #providing #funny

Is he dead?" he inquired "He looks dead." "No," snapped Maryse. "He's not dead." "Have you checked? I could kick him if you want." Mangus moved toward Jace. "Stop that!" the Inquisitor snapped, sounding like Clary's third grade teacher demanding that she stop dooling on her desk with a marker. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#dead #funny #jace-lightwood #magnus-bane #the-inquisitor

In homosexual sex you know exactly what the other person is feeling, so you are identifying with the other person completely. In heterosexual sex you have no idea what the other person is feeling. ↗

— William S. Burroughs

#funny

Santa Claus has nothing to do with it," the latke said. "Christmas and Hanukah are completely different things." "But different things can often blend together," said the pine tree. "Let me tell you a funny story about pagan rituals. ↗

— Lemony Snicket

#customs #hanukkah #time #funny