#us

I'd like to thank my parents for making this night possible. And my children for making it necessary. ↗

— Victor Borge

#humor #humorous #victor #victor-borge #humor

Pink is supposed to weaken your enemies, make them go soft on you, which must be why it's used for baby girls. It's a wonder the military hasn't got on to this. ↗

— Margaret Atwood

#humor

Random chance is not sufficient to explain random chance. ~Jubal Harshaw ↗

— Robert A. Heinlein

#evolution #humor #ingenious-statements #random-chance #humor

He lost himself somewhere on the harmless side of lunacy, slightly south of innocuous but definetly north of demented. ↗

— Tony Vigorito

#humor #just-a-couple-of-days #humor

Knowledge may be power, but half of what I know I wish I could forget. ↗

— Carroll Bryant

#comical #humor #humorist #humorous #philisophical

When 1:45 came, half the class left, and Danny Hupfer whispered, "If she gives you a cream puff after we leave, I'm going to kill you" - which was not something that someone headed off to prepare for his bar mitzvah should be thinking. When 1:55 came and the other half of the class left, Meryl Lee whispered, "If she gives you one after we leave, I'm going to do Number 408 to you." I didn't remember what Number 408 was, but it was probably pretty close to what Danny Hupfer had promised. Even Mai Thi looked at me with narrowed eyes and said, "I know your home." Which sounded pretty ominous. ↗

— Gary D. Schmidt

#humor #ominous #threat #worry #humor

Tell them I have the headache--no, the plague! I need something nice and contagious. ↗

— Lauren Willig

#humorous-quotations #mystery #humor

Since my trips to Earth, I've only managed to assemble a few basics facts about humans, condensing them in to four, overall points: kids got Reese's, teens got recess, adults got recessions, and seniors got receding. ↗

— Tai Odunsi

#greek-mythology #humor #mount-olympus #satire #valentines-day

We were encouraged to propose safetyprevention suggestions, and write them all down— locking doors, walking or exercising with a friend, wearing shoes that don’t hinder running. Erin’s suggestion of “Avoid assholes” was popular. ↗

— Tammara Webber

#girl-power #humorous #self-defense #humor

We're all secretly idiots inside. ↗

— -Sadiya

#humor