#w

A brick could be placed in the center of a silver platter, surrounded by leafy green garnishes to compliment the red of the brick, and frozen for the next time you have the in-laws over for dinner. I’d recommend eating before they arrive, because I’m not sure you’ll want to have any of the “meatloaf” you’ll be serving them. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#food #funny #humor #in-laws #meatloaf

Love happens to some people, sometimes. Other times other stuff happens to other people. I’m a person like those people.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #odd #strange

At the door, Audrey called, "Are you coming?" "No, just breathing hard, love." He glanced at her and was rewarded by an outraged glare, followed by, "Oh, my God! ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#fate-s-edge #funny #ilona-andrews #kaldar #the-edge

Bryan helped me up.  "How can you be so good one minute then clumsy the next?" I shrugged.  "I've never been very athletic.  Not unless you count fencing." "You made fences? ↗

— John Corwin

#funny #john-corwin #stupid #sweet-blood-of-mine #funny

A blanket can be wrapped around one’s head and used as a helmet. It’s particularly appropriate if you wear your blanket helmet during a pillow fight with me, because unbeknownst to you, I’ll have a brick stuffed at the bottom of my pillowcase.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket #funny #humor #random #strange

He had the prettiest hair she had ever seen on a man: dark brown, almost black, and soft like sable, it fell down to his shoulders. She wondered what he'd do if she threw some mud in it. Probably kill her. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#cerise #funny #hair #ilona-andrews #the-edge

Totally drained he could only manage one but he made it a good one tongue included. “Delicious ” he murmured. “So depraved ” Colton muttered. “Thank you.” “Get off me.” “Mine ” “Stings.” “Boohoo. ↗

— Finn Marlowe

#cute #funny #m-m-paranormal #m-m-romanc #shifters

My life is like a reality show. Whenever I cuss I bleep myself out with my air horn, and when my friends get naked I take off my glasses. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #reality-shows #funny

Because to me, there is no logic of any kind behind misogyny. Therefore, it’s funny, because it’s so completely random to me. It’s senseless. ↗

— Joss Whedon

#joss-whedon #pro-feminist #whedon #funny

As for your punishment, Midwife, you’ll receive the standard penalty for treason. We’re disbarring you from Our psyche. Put him on the next neurotransmitter bound for the temporal lobe. He can spend the rest of his days quivering in fear and wavering between short and long-term memory. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #midwifery #treason #funny