#w

Peace be with you," I said, and as I turned to resume my journey with Coyote, I added under my breath, "and asskicking be with me. ↗

— Kevin Hearne

#war #humor

Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone. ↗

— Mark Twain

#humor #jane-austen #humor

The more she stared, the happier his dick was to swell with pride, doing a stellar flagpole imitation. About a year later, Tierney dragged her gaze away from his groin and looked him in the eye. "This is why I was against casual Thursdays. There's always that one person who takes it too far. ↗

— Lorelei James

#humor #humor

You know what Marshall needs to do. He needs to stop being sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be awesome instead. True story. ↗

— Barney Stinson

#happiness #humor #inspirational #sadness #humor

I didn't want to do it,' Kiala said. 'The universe just kind of conspired to force me to make a fool of myself. It does that quite a lot, actually. ↗

— Graham Parke

#philosophy #weird #humor

Your... Your aura. It's... amazing. It's shining. I mean, it always shines, but today... Well I've never seen anything like it. I didn't expect that after everything that happened.' I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit up around Dimitri normally, what on earth happened to my aura post-sex? ↗

— Richelle Mead

#dirty #funny #hathaway #humor #ivashkov

My love is made out of three things: the dawn, the sunrise, and redundancy. I poured you two glasses, which can easily and efficiently be drunk out of one cup. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#efficiency #efficient #humor #love #redundancy

From my earliest years I had always wanted to be a writer. It was not that I had any particular message for humanity. I am still plugging away and not the ghost of one so far, so it begins to look as though, unless I suddenly hit mid-season form in my eighties, humanity will remain a message short. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#humor #mission #pg-wodehouse #writing #humor

It was not that he was feckless, more that he had simply not been around the day they handed out feck. ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#humorous #wordplay #humor

If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you. ↗

— Scott Dikkers

#matt #work #humor