#absurd

Date rape is just plain moronic when you consider how slutty figs are ↗

— Josh Stern

#date #figs #humor #moronic #rape

I had a quicksand box as a kid. I was an only child... eventually. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #humor

I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, "Family Size," and I thought, That's odd, I didn't know too many families showered together. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#family-size #funny #humor #risiculous #shower

The Italians say “Chow.” To them it means “Bye,” but to me it means food. Of the greetings, goodbye is the desert. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #odd #strange

This morning, as I was driving to work, I mistook a big brown box on the side of the road for a deer. It was dark, and I swerved at the last second, and even though it wasn’t a deer, I still managed to nail that son of a bitch. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#box #deer #driving #funny #humor

There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #flag #flagpole #funny #honor

I’m in disguise. I’m disguised as myself, and I’m a master of disguise, so that’s why you couldn’t tell I was in disguise. Not even my clone could tell. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #odd #strange

Women are aroused by the strangest things, like a rock going through their bedroom window ↗

— Josh Stern

#comedy #humor

This is the story of two men who met in a banana republic. One of them never did anything dishonest in his life except for one crazy minute. The other never did anything honest in his life except for one crazy minute. ↗

— Preston Sturges

#life

Snorkel through our vibrant menagerie of fish and marine life, each one of which has been clearly tagged and labeled for your convenience. Do you think the jokers at Sandals would do that for you? We’ve stocked our ivory reef with disparate creatures from all over the world, creating a lavishly unbalanced ecosystem that you have to see to believe. Often the things that nature never intended are the most fun to look at. ↗

— Colin Nissan

#resorts #life