#absurd

Now it would be as absurd to deny the existence of God, because we cannot see him, as it would be to deny the existence of the air or wind, because we cannot see it. ↗

— Adam Clarke

#air #because #cannot #deny #existence

Firing off 1,000 or 500 or 2,000 nuclear warheads on a few minutes' consideration has always struck me as an absurd way to go to war. ↗

— William Odom

#always #consideration #few #firing #go

I was always ready to leave England for some absurd reason. ↗

— Claire Forlani

#always #england #i #leave #ready

I never got to call myself a door-to-door salesman, because, regrettably, I only ever went to one door. But one day I just might knock on another door, to be able to proudly say that I was once a door-to-door salesman. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #pride #salesman #funny

What’s the difference between an omelet and an Omelet? One has cheese and vegetables, while the other just has Vegetables. I’m talking, of course, about my good friend Omelet Vegetables. He got his name because his mother was some sort of vegan hippy. But now that she doesn’t even eat eggs, and she really regrets naming him that. I met him while attending the University of Phoenix--the very same University of Phoenix campus that burned to the ground, and then rose up out of its own ashes. Fortunately, we didn’t have class that night. Omelet hates it when people greet him with, “What’s cooking?” And I completely understand. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#ashes #burned #funny #humor #phoenix

I think the two greatest inventions in the history of mankind are the remote control and the fingernail clipper. Now, if someone could just combine those two, I’d be very eager to clip my nails from across the room. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #invention #surreal #funny

I’ll be 30 in March, and it feels just like yesterday that I thought tomorrow will soon be today. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#birthday #funny #humor #funny

My armpits are not only rank, but they’re ranked number one in customer satisfaction. Try them for free or your money back. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#armpits #bizarre #customer-satisfaction #customers #free

They took a baseball bat and whacked open his head. Mummy Boy fell to the ground; he finally was dead. Inside of his head were no candy or prizes, just a few stray beetles of various sizes. ↗

— Tim Burton

#death

I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bad-news #crazy #death #family #good-news