#absurd

I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before.
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— Jarod Kintz

#clueless #funny #humor #love #age

I’m reminded of Orville Tethington, inventor of the world’s first steam-powered fog machine. He’s also the guy who, after the Germans invented the flame thrower in WWI, decided to counteract it with his own creation, the candle thrower. The candle thrower was only battle tested once, and after fifteen minutes the war zone was littered with lit candles. Upon returning home after the war, some of the soldiers suffered such extreme and bizarre cases of PTSD that anytime a civilian lit a match or used their lighter, the soldiers would hit the ground and start singing “Happy Birthday. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#birthday #funny #humor #ptsd #soldiers

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland. ↗

— Woody Allen

#humor #music #humor

My grandmother is dating a grandfather clock, and I’ve started wearing a wristwatch on my ankle. I also wear my love for Agatha like a raincoat, and I am jealous of every umbrella I see. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #love #dating

I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bad-news #crazy #death #family #good-news