#absurd

They haven't left us much to believe in, have they?--even disbelief. I can't believe in anything bigger than a home or vaguer than a human being. ↗

— Graham Greene

#life #life

Love is like trying to wrestle an albino. It’s tough because they’re slippery and all lubed up with sunscreen.
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— Jarod Kintz

#albino #love #lube #slip #slippery

I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free ↗

— Josh Stern

#free #humor #kids #shark-week #swim

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio. ↗

— Woody Allen

#men

I can bench press steam, but not fog. I just have to wait until the fog lifts itself.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bench-press #fog #natural #nature #passion

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know. ↗

— Woody Allen

#sports

Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities. ↗

— Voltaire

#atheism #atrocities #barbarity #injustice #religion

I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty. ↗

— Woody Allen

#liberty

Voodoo Girl Her skin is white cloth, and she's all sewn apart and she has many colored pins sticking out of her heart. She has many different zombies who are deeply in her trance. She even has a zombie who was originally from France. But she knows she has a curse on her, a curse she cannot win. For if someone gets too close to her, the pins stick farther in. ↗

— Tim Burton

#poetry #winning

I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. Now, if only I could do the same with my shoelaces, I wouldn’t have to banana pudding my way to success.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #cherry #knot #nonsense #ridiculous