#aid

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.' ↗

— Demetri Martin

#else #guy #i #i am #me

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar! ↗

— Demetri Martin

#asked #big #bite #does #dog

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#asked #clothing #i #into #lady

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.' ↗

— Demetri Martin

#dude #ever #fine #gonna #i

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.' ↗

— Demetri Martin

#computer #cool #forceful #get #help

I realized that comedians of the day were operating on jokes and punch lines. The moment you say the punch line, the audience either laughs sincerely or they laugh automatically or they don't laugh. The thing that bothered me was that automatic laugh. I said, that's not real laughter. ↗

— Steve Martin

#automatic #automatically #bothered #comedians #day

I knew I could only play Cyrano if he were Americanized. I had no intention of writing the script myself. I was afraid of it. You're playing with fire when you tamper with a classic. So I went looking for a writer. But it was such a personal idea, and anyone I would give it to would make it his own. It's hard to ask Neil Simon to write your idea. ↗

— Steve Martin

#americanized #anyone #ask #classic #could

To put meaning in one's life may end in madness, But life without meaning is the torture Of restlessness and vague desire-It is a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid. ↗

— Edgar Lee Masters

#boat #end #life #longing #madness

Those who first oppose a good work, seize it and make it their own, when the cornerstone is laid and memorial tablets are erected. ↗

— Edgar Lee Masters

#erected #first #good #good work #laid

They said just keep doing my thing, don't try to change anything, which I won't. ↗

— Paul McDonald

#change #doing #i #just #keep