#awesome

When we finally got to play that and we had a great show there, well I can tell it was pretty awesome. Y'know, we probably did bigger festivals since then; we probably headlined bigger festivals since then, but I will always remember that. ↗

— Kerry King

#awesome #bigger #did #festivals #finally

If you ask men why they did a good job, they'll say, 'I'm awesome. Obviously. Why are you even asking?' If you ask women why they did a good job, what they'll say is someone helped them, they got lucky, they worked really hard. ↗

— Sheryl Sandberg

#asking #awesome #did #even #good

Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Honestly, he raised chickens, so he should have seen it coming.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #food #funny #grandpa #humor

Huevos up. Swing up to the window, swing back to Al B. Hall, who says, "Bless you," and would I get him a bottle of Satan's Red-Hot Revenge for the eggs? Sure thing, Pastor. ↗

— Joan Bauer

#funny #funny

If I ever get a 20-dollar bill, I like to convert it into 20 singles, because women like guys with lots of money.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #money #random

The other day I found 20 dollars. It was just lying in a wallet I took from some guy’s pocket.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #random #random-thought

If given the choice, I’d take five ones over a five-dollar bill, because women prefer men with lots of money.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #choice #funny #humor #money

I stitched an itch to my side. As far as surgeries go, I’m just barely scratching the surface.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #itch #itching

It’s hard to wear a Speedo and pose with an erection. Still, I’ve got to try, every Saturday from 9 am to 8:59 pm.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #random #random-thought

A clone’s most valuable function would be as a gift giver, because who else but you knows exactly what you want? Only your clone. And besides being the perfect gift, it’d also be a surprise, because it’s not like you bought your own gift. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #random #random-thought