#comedy

Did you slip in some cheese? Did it make you hate cheese, which you had previously loved? Why not sue a cheese-maker? Sue him for all the cheese he's got, drive him out of the cheese-making business! Did you burn your face with an iron? Why not sue Prometheus, the god that invented fire? Or an Iron Age chieftain, for having the temerity to popularise the metal. ↗

— Stewart Lee

#humour #age

If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science ↗

— Michelle M. Pillow

#comedy #diet #fiction #food #humor

DEATH . . . And now you are here to fight for this woman. You know her promise is given. She has to die or her husband won't go free. APOLLO Relax, I'm not breaking any laws. DEATH Why the bow, if you're breaking no laws? APOLLO I always carry a bow, it's my trademark. ↗

— Anne Carson

#humor #death

QUINCE Francis Flute, the bellows-mender. FLUTE Here, Peter Quince. QUINCE Flute, you must take Thisby on you. FLUTE What is Thisby? a wandering knight? QUINCE It is the lady that Pyramus must love. FLUTE Nay, faith, let me not play a woman; I have a beard coming. ↗

— William Shakespeare

#dreams

Just relax and breathe through your ass. ↗

— Lewis Black

#funny #humor #noremorse #faith

Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe. ↗

— Lewis Black

#individuality #inspirational #faith

I’m not aspiring to be someone else – If I’m me for the rest of my life then so be it ↗

— Terry Lander

#comedy #funny #humour #inspiration #life

Life Is Too Short--So Kiss Slowly, Laugh Insanely, Love Truly, And Live With Passion. ↗

— Andy Vogt

#erotic-massage #humor #massage #mysteries #paperbacks

Love is simple, if you allow it to be simple." Julian to Hannah, Take A Chance ↗

— Alison Wong

#chinese #england #english #funny #love

Just leave me alone, I want to be alone,” she said when Jack tried to open the car door. She hit the lock, and wound the window up. Since the roof was down, it was a fairly pointless exercise. ↗

— Sarah Mayberry

#humour #romance #romantic-comedy #funny