#comedy

Aren't you something," Grandma said. "I never saw a midget up close." "Little person," Briggs said. "And I never saw anyone as old as you up close, either. ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#comedy

I fart in your general direction. ↗

— Graham Chapman

#comedy

I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her. ↗

— Jon Stewart

#political #comedy

I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror. ↗

— Lewis Black

#raving #stand-up-comedy #stark #comedy

The dog ran into the kitchen, stuck his nose in Grandma's crotch, and snuffled. Dang," Grandma said. "Guess my new perfume really works. I'm gonna have to try it out at the seniors meeting. ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#grandma-mazur #comedy

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts. ↗

— Daniel Tosh

#daniel-tosh #funny #hilarious #change

Sometimes I wonder how I got into comedy at all. ↗

— Don Adams

#got #how #i #i wonder #into

We all say and do things we regret, but it’s never to late to change, apologize and become a better person ↗

— Thomas Amo

#high-school #quote #quotes #romance #romantic-comedy

I sat down on the sofa, surrounded by years of coffee rings and sandwich stains. If the police ever did a DNA test on this sofa, it would be ninety per cent disappointment. ↗

— Danny Wallace

#love #mundane-reality #truth #love

You know," Kavita begins, "I think I can pick out my own furniture. I am an artist after all. I do have some taste." "No you don't." Nick plainly states. "No man has taste. Besides, I didn't pick it out, she did. Wives are good for things like that. ↗

— Carroll Bryant

#fiction #fiction-novel #love #lovers-fictional #romance