#comedy

How bad is it?” “The story is only just now being reported, but let's put it this way,” HARV said. “The bag is now clearly catless, and there’s a very foul odor coming from the fan. ↗

— John Zakour

#sci-fi #sci-fi-humour-comedy #sci-fi

There is a moment of sheer panic when I realize that Paul's apartment overlooks the park... and is obviously more expensive than mine. ↗

— Patrick Bateman

#christian-bale #comedy #cult #dark-humor #mayhem

By the standards of a tourist strolling past looking for a quick lunch, the place was a dive. The sign on the window was small and easy to miss, and the antique feel of the place wasn't the prepackaged, old-shit-on-the-wall nostalgia that came with so many chain restaurants. The cafe was just old, and everything about it said old. But Jon liked it that way, if only because it kept the tourists away and spared him from hearing imported ignorance when there was plenty of local ignorance to go around. ↗

— Scott B. Pruden

#humorous-quotes #immaculate-deception #satire #science-fiction #science-fiction-comedy

Sounds like you kids have some talking to do. I'll be eavesdropping from the kitchen. ↗

— Jill Shalvis

#romance #romantic-comedy #funny

I want you to know, chickens aren’t sexy. Not to me.” This was met with silence. “Are you there?” She was slurring her words now, which was embarrassing, so she took a deep breath. “Cam? Can you hear me?” “Yes, chickens aren’t sexy. Uh…I don’t think they’re meant to be. ↗

— Jill Shalvis

#humour #romance #romantic-comedy #funny

I want to do a comedy routine full of inside jokes. The people standing out in the rain won’t appreciate them, but neither will audience members lacking a self-effacing streak. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #funny

Hopeless and helpless doth AEgeon wend, But to procrastinate his lifeless end. ↗

— William Shakespeare

#procrastination

Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year. ↗

— Derek The Ghost

#funny #horror #humor #scary #school

Excuse me, your attention please.” He waited until the whole floor had stopped what it was doing and turned to face him. For a split second his impulse control kicked in, but by then his mouth was fully engaged. “For the record, Claire Marsden and I are not having sex. ↗

— Sarah Mayberry

#humour #romance #romantic-comedy #funny

[The cats] scamper in front of my legs, causing me to fall and face plant into whatever furniture is closest. They especially like to play this game when I’m carrying piping hot coffee. ↗

— Weston Locher

#comedy #essay #funny #humor #funny