#comedy

I didn't wait for Luck. I raced after it with a truck. ↗

— A.A. Bell

#fantasy #inspirational #romance #science-fiction #inspirational

College wasn't like the real world. In the real world people dropped names based on their renown. In college, people dropped names based on their obscurity. ↗

— Jeffrey Eugenides

#humor #humor

I ejaculated about ten minutes ago and the stuff was black. So everything is not normal." Silence greeted that happy little announcement. Man, if he had hauled off and sucker-punched V, he would have gotten less of a shocked-out reaction. ↗

— J.R. Ward

#friendships #humor #sex #friendship

To call that writing, madam, is an insult to quills and ink across the world. ↗

— Julia Quinn

#humor #penmanship #humor

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords. ↗

— George Carlin

#george-carlin #humor #philosophy #humor

It'd be great to be so famous that if I murder someone, I will never, ever, ever serve any jail time, even if it's totally obvious to everyone that I did it. ↗

— Mindy Kaling

#fame #humor #kaling #mindy #murder

I'm not racist, I've got a black president ↗

— Dane Cook

#humor #humor

I do not know what it was about that boy but just looking at him, even I wanted to clout him on the head. It was a head that invited violence. ↗

— Patrick deWitt

#funny #humor #funny

No,' the professor replied. 'Her Majesty s alive and well - at least I assume so if she hasn't met a certain van driver from Yeovil.' ~Professor Hamilton ↗

— Bryan Davis

#humor #humor

Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was a robot church for androids, where the Bible was in binary and their Jesus had laser eyes and metal claws. ↗

— Russell Brand

#comedy #funny #humor #robots #funny