#de

This morning, as I was driving to work, I mistook a big brown box on the side of the road for a deer. It was dark, and I swerved at the last second, and even though it wasn’t a deer, I still managed to nail that son of a bitch. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#box #deer #driving #funny #humor

Realizing that love is a fundamental principle of life doesn’t guarantee a happy relationship, but at least you can make captain of the debate team. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #love #funny

I will never deny that life isn't fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a jerk. ↗

— Criss Jami

#funny #humor #humor-relationships #independence #jerk

You be sure to throw the book at him, you hear me? I feel violated, Detective. Violated." "I'll throw this table at you if you don't give us the names we're looking for. ↗

— Derek Landy

#funny #humour #violated #funny

Men only treat women like princesses when they want to use them like prostitutes. ↗

— Bauvard

#gender #humor #men #prostitution #royalty

Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie. ↗

— Michelle Hodkin

#funny #humor #funny

I shook my head. She kissed my cheek, then on her way out patted Zachary's shoulder in a way that said, If you upset Aura in her weakened state, I will end you. ↗

— Jeri Smith-Ready

#shade #funny

What did you tell them?” “I don't recall. I think I mentioned your discipline and ability to follow orders. I may have said something about you being a team player.” Derek emitted a strangled cough. “Why?” I demanded. “It seemed like a good idea at the time.” Curran resumed hammering. “I'm sorry,” I said into the phone, sticking me finger into my other ear so I could hear. “His Majesty tends to exaggerate things. I'm not a team player. I'm undisciplined and I have a problem with authority. Also, the Beast Lord can't hammer for shit.” On the roof Derek was laughing his head off. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#derek #funny #kate-daniels #roof #funny

As she came closer to him she noticed that there was a clean fresh scent of heather and grass and leaves about him, almost as if he were made of them. She liked it very much and when she looked into his funny face with the red cheeks and round blue eyes she forgot that she had felt shy. ↗

— Frances Hodgson Burnett

#frances-hodgson-burnett #the-secret-garden #funny

What's so funny 'bout peace, love, and world destruction? ↗

— James Patterson

#maximum-ride #funny