#er

If you're heading downtown from Centeral Park, my advice is to take the subway. Flying pigs are faster but way more dangerous ↗

— Rick Riordan

#flying-pigs #funny-and-random #subways #funny

Now, can I help you with something? I’m new, but I’ll do my best to figure out how to get what you need.” … “That’s good to hear, Abby, since I need your breasts for a few minutes. ↗

— Cherise Sinclair

#erotic-romance #funny #romance #funny

You're not going to tell me they built fifty-foot-high killer golems, are you?" "Only a man would think of that. It's our job," said Moist. "If you don't think of fifty-foot-high killer golems first, someone else will. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#funny #humor #irony #men #weapons

I compensate for my debauchery by being brilliant at it. I make sacrifices for it by waking up in a gutter covered in the fruits of my genius. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #funny

It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you, Hazel Grace ↗

— John Green

#best-book-ever #cute #funny #humour #john-green

Oh, my dear! I’m afraid you’ve mistaken me for someone else! My name is Rhea Silvia. I was the mother to Romulus and Remus, thousands of years ago. But you’re so kind to think I look as young as the 1950s. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#audrey-hepburn #funny #lol #percy-jackson #rhea-silvia

You gazed at the moon and fell in the gutter. ↗

— Thomas Fuller

#funny-motivational-quotes #funny

Funny thing how it is. If a man owns a little property, that property is him, it's part of him, and it's like him. If he owns property only so he can walk on it and handle it and be sad when it isn't doing well, and feel fine when the rain falls on it, that property is him, and some way he's bigger because he owns it. Even if he isn't successful he's big with his property. That is so.' 'But let a man get property he doesn't see, or can't take time to get his fingers in, or can't be there to walk on it - why, then the property is the man. He can't do what he wants, he can't think what he wants. The property is the man, stronger than he is. And he is small, not big. Only his possessions are big - and he's the servant of his property. That is so, too. ↗

— John Steinbeck

#ownership #funny

A man touched me:  his hand... my thigh. I touched him too:  my fist... his jaw. ↗

— Joseph Gordon-Levitt

#girl-power #unexpected #funny

I hated meatloaf. It was like something that Satan pooped out after an eternity of constipation. So I told Mom because I was honest that way. I sat back, squared my shoulders, and met her eyes, all confident-like. "Mom, meatloaf's like something that Satan pooped out after an eternity of constipation. It should be outlawed, frankly, and serving it for dinner is like child abuse and should carry with it some pretty stiff penalties. ↗

— Hayden Thorne

#funny #masks #meatloaf #funny