#funny

I thrust the picture at his chest. He takes it and squints at it in the softening light. Then his eyes widen. "Holy shit," he breathes. "Is this the girl that ate you?" "Ha, no. You're funny." I snatch my picture back. "So I was super fat. It's my father's fault. He never hugged me." "So, what, you ate him? ↗

— Nicole Christie

#funny

You're serious?" "As a heart attack." I set my bag down and leaned on the counter. Okay, Hunter Zaccadelli, you could make me dinner. "Stuffed French toast, sweet potato hash and strawberries and cream." "Breakfast for dinner? You rebel, you. ↗

— Chelsea M. Cameron

#dinner #funny #hunter-zaccadelli #my-favorite-mistake #rebel

Sam grinned. He even laughed. "What's funny?" She demanded. "I figured something out before Astrid the Genius. I am totally enjoying that. I'm just going to gloat here for a minute." "Enjoy it, it may never happen again," Astrid said. ↗

— Michael Grant

#gone-series #michael-grant #funny

Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humanity #humor #funny

Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #trees #funny

Those myths about Zeus and Hercules were always so real to me; I was crushed to discover that Mt. Olympus has been overshadowed by global warming. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #greek-gods #humor #myths #funny

America is not a place. America is an idea that died along with my grandfather. And I’m sorry to say that I shot them both. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#died #funny #idea #funny

Mooooon!” said the Ogre. “Tranquility …” Then he pointed at the full moon. “Neil Armstrong walked in a sea of Tranquility.” Then he added, “It’s made of cheese. But you have to take off the plastic before you put it on a burger.” Mickey sighed. “What’s his story?” the wraith asked. “He’s chocolate,” Mikey said. ↗

— Neal Shusterman

#clarence #funny #mikey #nick #wraith

Damn it. Reyes could be such a butthead. Freaking Antichrists. ↗

— Darynda Jones

#funny

When pointing out the flaws in others, people always end up talking about themselves. ↗

— Claire Chilton

#funny-quotes #human-quotes #psychology-quotes #funny