#funny

Gone are the days when the old country doctor would drive out to your house and amputate your infected leg for a basket of goose eggs and a rhubarb pie. ↗

— Cuthbert Soup

#funny

[Or perhaps my friends should have realized that they shouldn't have left behind the FRICKING REASON FOR THEIR PROTEST! And that thought just cracked me up.] It was like my friends had walked over the backs of baby seals in order to get to the beach where they could protest against the slaughter of baby seals. ↗

— Sherman Alexie

#dark-humor #funny #irony #misguided-protest #protest

No one here is allowed to die without my permission. ↗

— Doug MacLeod

#funny

I’m not scared any more,’ said Midge. ‘Thank you, Kevin. Sometimes you can be very kind.’ ‘Yes,’ said Kevin. ‘And if you tell that to any of the other trolls I will pull off your nose and feed it to a bear. ↗

— Doug MacLeod

#funny

I seem to be allergic to whatever that terrible smell is," said Gateman when the urge to sneeze had finally subsided. "What terrible smell?" "The air," said Gateman. "It smells...different." "That's called oxygen," said Professor Boxley. "Freh air. No cars, no buses, no factories; just pure, clean oxygen. ↗

— Cuthbert Soup

#allergy #funny #oxygen #sneeze #funny

All the electronic devices are powered by white smoke. When smoke goes out, device is dead. ↗

— Milan Nikolic

#funny #funny

I’m sure all of that’s true. Especially the anal bit--Marshall’s always been an ass--but I don’t see how this is relevant, unless of course I’m mistaken, and you really are comparing me to a crumb that needs sweeping. - Shella ↗

— Krista Alasti

#fantasy #funny #krista-alasti #shifters #taming-shadows

If I tell you another seven hundred times, maybe one of these days you might turn your clothes right side out when you put them in the hamper, eh? ↗

— Jodi Picoult

#humor #laundry #funny

Wait a minute, hold on... The dude dies, and the girl cries so hard that she gets turned into a fountain? ↗

— Caroline Goode

#humor #mythology #funny

For Breakfast I like my coffee warm and cozy and my eggs funny side up. ↗

— Stanley Victor Paskavich

#funny