#funny

The planet is fine. The people are fucked. ↗

— George Carlin

#humanity #humor #funny

What the hell is that?" I laughed. "It's my fox hat." "Your fox hat?" "Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat." "Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked. "Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox. ↗

— John Green

#humor #funny

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. ↗

— Cathy Guisewite

#funny #lemons #funny

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. ↗

— Rodney Dangerfield

#funny #humour #neighborhoods #funny

Don't be so humble - you are not that great. ↗

— Golda Meir

#golda #meir #true #funny

The longer and more carefully we look at a funny story, the sadder it becomes. ↗

— Nikolai Gogol

#sadness #funny

I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare. ↗

— Ned Vizzini

#sadness #suicide #funny

I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while," he grunted, "It relaxes me." "It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor #funny

Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?" All the time. ↗

— Wendy Mass

#funny #humor #jeremy-fink #jetsam #keys

You…you got rid of that dress fast," I pointed out between heavy breaths. "I thought you liked it." "I do like it," he said. His breathing was as heavy as mine. "I love it." And then he took me to the bed. ↗

— Richelle Mead

#funny #rose-hathaway #sweet #funny