#funny

Playing sports to get love is the only time you can score without antiperspirant. But to intimidate your rivals, don't sweat. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #love #sports #sweating

A blanket could be used to save your marriage. If only your spouse is invited under your blanket, then each party feels exclusively inclusive to each other. Still, there is a problem. What am I going to do with all the tickets I sold to the internet perverts to spend an evening with you under your blanket?
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A brick could be used as motivation to acquire more bricks. Hey, I’m just trying to help here. Don’t shut me out by building a wall between us.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

That’s a Planeswalker demon.” Dante slumped into the seat behind her. “You aren’t crazy.” Meg slid him a bemused glance. “I thought we’d settled that a few weeks back.”“Nope,” he said,shaking his head. “I was still certain you were loony.”“Then why have you been helping me?”“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, sweetheart, but you have fabulous tits,” Dante said with a sigh. “I figured once you gave up on the whole idea of being queen of the faery world, you might consider sleeping with me. Now I see that demons are real. I’m going to church tomorrow. ↗

— Sophie Oak

#paranormal #so-true- #funny

A brick has eight edges and six sides. That’s nearly as many sides as a politician takes when discussing a binary issue.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Eight people show up. The emcee is warm, friendly, and about as funny as Shoah. I take the stage to the sound of, my hand to God, one person clapping once and only once, and then I start into my act. ↗

— Patton Oswalt

#hand-to-god #patton-oswalt #shoah #stand-up #funny

He was all over me like brown rice! ↗

— L'Poni Baldwin

#gay-dragons #humor #stereotypes #funny

You know that passage in the Bible that says, “And the meek shall inherit the Earth”? Always wondered if that was mistranslated. Perhaps it actually says, “And the geek shall inherit the Earth. ↗

— Neil deGrasse Tyson

#funny #geek #meek #quote #funny

The rare derpicus man is know to live near the himalayas, in a cave made purely of dead weevils. His native tounge is unknown, but what I've translated contains a grat amount of the words, "pootis, derp, poop, and nnnnyyyyaaaaannnn! ↗

— Medic

#funny #griffin #pootis #weevils #funny

the party line is that some of the most profound truths about us are things that we stop saying in the middle, but i think they do it to make us feel important ↗

— Ned Vizzini

#funny