#funny

I have two problems with hard labor: hard and labor. I prefer soft, and I’d prefer not giving birth. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #funny

I’ve compiled a list of five suspects, and all five could be mistakenly narrowed down to one by a lesser investigator, because all five are nearly identical in physical demeanor and dimensions. They could all be monozygotic twins, or clones, or holographic projections of each other. They all are egg-shaped like humpty Dumpty, only more omelet-like in the face, as each has two beady black olive eyes, thin strips of bacon for lips, and a rosy grape tomato for a nose. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#random #funny

My medication must be wearing off I'm starting to think my jokes are funny. ↗

— Stanley Victor Paskavich

#funny

He had bright elfin eyes and a knowledgeable ass. ↗

— Chris Hannan

#funny

Pearls' burst out the Snork Maiden excitedly. 'Could ankle rings be made out of pearls?' 'I should think they could,' said Moomintoll. 'Ankle-rings, and nose-rings and ear-rings and engagement rings... ↗

— Tove Jansson

#classics #cute #finnish #funny #moomins

I remember our waitress looked like Bertrand Russell. This is logical considering it’s illogical. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#waitress #funny

My superhero weapon is my Anti-Gravity Goo Shooter. I was born with it, and at the gym it’s known as my “penis. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #superhero #funny

You take the words in the sense which is most damaging to the argument. ↗

— Plato

#funny

Friend: a stranger in hard times. Friends: the street mob that robs you. ↗

— Bauvard

#friendship #funny #humor #strangers #friendship

I wasn't very good at the bike thing. Really, it was just dangerous to trust two skinny little wheels and spindly brakes with the considerably uncoordinated woman that is me. ↗

— Kathryn Smith

#self-depricating #funny