#funny

It dawned on him that he really could be a cop if he wanted to, and it dawned on him that he'd had this revelation while eating a donut, and it that wasn't a sign, he didn't know what was. ↗

— Doug Dorst

#funny

I’m not going to lecture you on the error of your ways. Not until you fetch me a podium and a microphone. I’ll also need a screen, a projector, and a laser pointer. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#errors #funny #humor #laser #lecture

Yeah, I got her,” Will confirms. “Who you got?” I ask. “You, drunk girl. Come on.” He turns to lead me toward the exit, and I start to follow him, but for some reason my feet don’t work very well. “Um, Will?” “Yeah?” “I lost my feet.” “What?” he laughs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “I can’t find my feet.” Why is everyone laughing at me? This is serious! ↗

— Kristen Proby

#funny-as-hell #funny

What kinda vows?" Celibacy? I thought, though I didn't say it. Nobody keeps a celibacy vow anyway. ↗

— Cassandra Rose Clarke

#funny #vows #funny

Donegan Bane and Gracious O'Callahan - the Monster Hunters. Adventurers, inventors, authors of Monster Hunting for Beginners and it's sequels, Monster Hunting for Beginners is Probably Inadvisable and Seriously, Dude, Stop Monster Hunting. ↗

— Derek Landy

#funny #girl #gracious #humour #hunting

Where's Quinn?' "He went around the other side." Connor replied. Stealth mode." A war whoop and a mocking laugh belied that comment. Hunter sighed. 'He's across the street, being a lunatic, you mean.' "That's stealth mode for him. ↗

— Alyxandra Harvey

#funny #hunter #lunatic #quinn #stealth-mode

At that point in time, there were three things in life that I knew for certain: (1) I was a girl who’d never met a site she couldn’t hack or a code she couldn’t break, (2) I had a roundhouse that could put a grown man in the hospital, and (3) I would without question chop off my own hands before I’d come within five feet of a pom-pom ↗

— Jennifer Lynn Barnes

#funny #funny

What’s your favourite position?” “I usually play winger.” “Zach, I adore you, but you can’t make soccer jokes during phone sex. It just isn’t done. ↗

— Tiffany Reisz

#funny #humour #funny

Oh, and welcome to the Three. ↗

— Erin Hunter

#funny #jayfeather #funny

Asshole FBI agents that want to shoot Girl Scouts. ↗

— C.J. Roberts

#girl-scouts #yes #funny