#funny

God is an early bird; satan is a night owl. Everyone knows that. ↗

— Jon Acuff

#funny #god #satan #funny

So the reason I was struck again and again was because of my overwhelmingly positive energy. Funny, I'd always thought of myself as a pessimist. ↗

— Jennifer Bosworth

#energy #funny #irony #lightning #sarcasm

This is Simba," Nicole said, pointing to the lion. "Is he dangerous?" Asked Chase. "Not really. He mauled a trainer, but nothing much. ↗

— Roland Smith

#runners #storm #funny

The cucumber is just about the healthiest sex toy ever. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #naughty #funny

Sounds like you kids have some talking to do. I'll be eavesdropping from the kitchen. ↗

— Jill Shalvis

#romance #romantic-comedy #funny

The following is a list of statements made many years ago by experts in their fields. At the time they were said they sounded intelligent. With the passing of time, they sound idiotic. ↗

— Sean Covey

#history #old-inaccurate-sayings #funny

I went to the mountains, but they were closed. Apparently I wasn’t on Mountain Time. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#mountain-time #funny

If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels.... ↗

— Josh Stern

#funny #humor #naked #paints #picture

While he sat there he decided he would buy a waterbed. He had always imagined owning a waterbed when he was successful, but now it struck him that getting the bed might invoke the man he wanted to become. You bought a waterbed and so became the sort of man who owned a waterbed. ↗

— Lisa Moore

#humor #funny

The Greek myths are a bit outdated, but not as much as the distant galaxies they remind me of whenever I look up at night. The historical and the scientific – two different aspects of the overactive imagination that fit together nicely in space. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #history #humor #imagination #myths