#funny

Shoving aside fear and self-doubt, I met his eyes, aiming for absolute confidence in both my stance and my voice. “My father taught me to disarm my opponent at all costs—regardless of his choice of weapon,” I said, glancing pointedly at his groin. “Are you threatening me?” “Damn right. Lay one hand on me and you’ll never stand to pee again.” His eyes darkened, and his laugh sounded forced. “You’re very funny, gatita.” “I’m glad you think so. I’ve always considered my sense of humor to be largely under-appreciated, so it’s nice to finally meet a fan. ↗

— Rachel Vincent

#rachel-vincent #stray #funny

The Side Effects of Dying in Your Pants isn't really funny… Alright, it's a little funny. ↗

— John Green

#humor #funny

You know how when someone is tall, people will compare them to a string bean? She, my friend, was like asparagus, but without the subsequent odor. ↗

— Tom Alford

#funny #humor #string-bean #tall #funny

If Nostradamus and Tiresias used gay magic to have a baby, and that baby grew up to make a lot of predictions about the destiny of clones – if that happened, then I would have a reason to convert to asexuality. As it is, I just kind of felt like not doing it. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#clones #funny #humor #prophecy #funny

A long time ago someone became disillusioned with theism, so he tacked a definite article onto it and created a new religion. People have been referring to it a lot since then, but it hasn’t become any more familiar. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #humor #funny

And I figured you'd drive a four-hour round-trip before giving up your car to someone else ↗

— Richelle Mead

#funny

Unless philosophy can make a Juliet, Displant a town, reverse a prince’s doom, It helps not, it prevails not. ↗

— William Shakespeare

#funny

It's funny how the colours of the like real world only seem really real when you viddy them on the screen. ↗

— Anthony Burgess

#funny

Zee replies grimly, 'I understand that problem...Buns is a force of nature.' 'She is,' I say with a reluctant smile, 'you're kind of screwed, dude. She's definitely got her own ideas.' Zee grins too. 'Do not laugh too hard, playa, yours is a Throne..karma...' he says, noddin' his head before grimacin' and addin', 'ouch'. My smile broadens involuntarily. 'Zee, when did you become funny?' I ask. 'It is difficult to be funny in Human,' he says, before lookin' at his watch and than graspin' the cover of the portal computer. 'Learn my language and you will think I am hysterical. ↗

— Amy A. Bartol

#zephyr #funny

I recently heard of a group called The Lipsticks who only sing Kiss hits, which reminds me of something weird 
I saw yesterday. 
I saw Elvis. And he was impersonating me. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #kiss #lipstick #funny