#funny

I’m in disguise. I’m disguised as myself, and I’m a master of disguise, so that’s why you couldn’t tell I was in disguise. Not even my clone could tell. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #odd #strange

I didn't mean to interupt you if you were looking for your friends Miss--' 'Callihan,' but you can call my Jasmine. Or Jas.' Or Snookums. Honeybunch. Hotsie Totsie Cowgirl. My Little-- 'It's nice to meet you Jasmine, I'm Jack. ↗

— Michele Jaffe

#amazing #funny

So, if I'm no cheerleader of sports, why write a chapter about it? Sports do have some positive impact on society. They solve problems, such as how to get inner-city kids to spend $175 on shoes. They serve as a backdrop for some of our most memorable commercials. And they remain the one and only relevant application of math. Not only that, but we have sports to thank for most of the last century's advances in manliness. The system starts in school, where gym class separates the men from the boys. Then those men are taught to be winners, or at least, losers that hate themselves. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#funny

It's a booley village," Ian told her. "The islanders used to take their animals into the hills for the summ. They'd camp out in these stone huts: men, women, and children. Everyone stayed up all night, sang, told stories, watched the stars. It must have been great craic." "How do you know this stuff?" she asked, admiringly. "I' a bloody genius." When she threw him a look, he grinned. " I also read it in the guidebook. ↗

— O.R. Melling

#funny

Low-functioning savants don’t qualify to be human calculators, just ballpark announcers. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #savant-syndrome #funny

Adam's hot Pheebs! Admit it girl. That body is like some kind of happy experiment. It's like he was manufactured in a nympho scientist's secret laboratory ↗

— Daniel Waters

#generation-dead #margi #experience

Love is wealth, and the wealthy get taxed heavily. The universe is God’s welfare system, and communion is like standing in line for food stamps. When I get to the front, I’m chugging the wine. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #money #food

I doubt she likes the idea of seeing him put back in a cage.” “Maybe not,” he said. “But she knows that the Authority are the only people who might be able to help him.” “Or kill him,” I said. “That too. What is life without risk?” “Long?” Terric laughed, a sort of high whooping that made me—and Zayvion, much to my surprise—smile. Contagious. For all he had a serious exterior, Terric was the guy you’d want to sit next to at a funny movie, just to hear him laugh. ↗

— Devon Monk

#devon-monk #terric #zay #funny

Martin was dafter than a syphilitic polecat - where do I get these metaphors from? ↗

— Stieg Larsson

#funny

The world is a state of mind, so choose your profession according to your state, because a lot of governments kill intellectuals ↗

— Benson Bruno

#government #humor #intellectuals #funny