#funny

June cackled with delight, muttering, "Whoops!" as a car almost killed them. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#hilarious #humor #june #laugh-at-loud #rick-riordan

Love, he realized, was like the daggers he made in his forge: When you first got one it was shiny and new and the blade glinted bright in the light. Holding it against your palm, you were full of optimism for what it would be like in the field, and you couldn't wait to try it out. Except those first couple of nights out were usually awkward as you got used to it and it got used to you. Over time, the steel lost its brand-new gleam, and the hilt became stained, and maybe you nicked the shit out of the thing a couple of times. What you got in return, however, saved your life: Once the pair of you were well acquainted, it became such a part of you that it was an extension of your own arm. It protected you and gave you a means to protect your brothers; it provided you with the confidnece and the power to face whatever came out of the night; and wherever you went, it stayed with you, right over your heart, always there when you needed it. You had to keep the blade up, however. And rewrap the hilt from time to time. And double-check the weight. Funny...all of that was well, duh when it came to weapons. Why hadn't it dawned on him that matings were the same? (From the thoughts of Vishous) ↗

— J.R. Ward

#love #marriage #relationships #romance #funny

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#comedy #demetri-martin #fly #funny #humor

Now I'm just like everybody else, and it's so funny, the way monogamy is funny, the way someone falling down in the street is funny. I entered a revolving door and emerged as a human being. When you think of me is my face electronically blurred? ↗

— Jeffrey McDaniel

#letter #memory #monogamy #remember #funny

Funny how "question" contains the word "quest" inside it, as though any small question asked is a journey through briars. ↗

— Catherynne M. Valente

#quest #question #funny

Everyone wise was once a nerd, but not every awkward loser is able to grow a long beard. I can grow chin stubble, but I'm not cool enough to be a nerd. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #nerd #wisdom #funny

High school parties exhausted me because I always felt like I was the only thinking person in a room mostly full of morons obliterating precious IQ points with every gulp of whatever booze they managed to steal out of their parents' liquor cabinets. College parties are exhausting in a diametrically opposite way. They are full of smart, funny people who are all used to being the smartest, funniest person in the room, so they spend the whole party talking over one another, overlapping and overtaking the conversation to prove that they are the smartest, funniest person in the room, if not the entire planet. ↗

— Megan McCafferty

#conversation #parties #funny

The man may be the head of the household. But the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head whichever way she pleases. ↗

— Nia Vardalos

#marriage #funny

I saw you put rice in a toaster once," said Mae. "I was there when made the tin of beans explode." "It was faulty," Jamie protested, his eyes shifty. " I am sure of this. ↗

— Sarah Rees Brennan

#funny

Ares sighed "What are the three words said most often in our house?" "Not tonight, Ares?" Than offered. "Funny," Ares growled. "Cara never says that. ↗

— Larissa Ione

#sex #funny