#funny

He whipped the chair around and actually split one of the things in half with the impact, spilling the spray of blood that was reflective, like mercury. John bellowed, "Anyone else want to donate blood to chair-ity?" He ducked into the the door and bashed one monster right in the wig, screaming, "There's some dessert! With a chair-y on top! ↗

— David Wong

#funny #john #funny

Problem was, he couldn’t masturbate his sexual desires away because he’d fry off his cock." Hector ↗

— Gena Showalter

#funny #hector #funny

Now that we know you're not a hundred percent vampire you should stop trying to suck necks," I said to Ziggy. "I'll try," Ziggy said, "but it's a hard habit to break. ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#stephine-plum #vampire #funny

I was so high, I needed a stepladder to scratch my own ass. ↗

— Kinky Friedman

#funny #funny

Don't say anything. Just act cool," I whispered. Mavkel started to shiver. "Like this?" it asked. "No, I mean act calm." Mavkel stopped shivering. ↗

— Alison Goodman

#funny

And I meant to tell you: that was a one-in-a-thousand shot." She raised her hand. "Don't." "It was awesome," George confirmed. "It really was," Jack said. "His head exploded. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#fate-s-edge #funny #george #ilona-andrew #jack

Ish #153 "Artificial plants grow best in artificial light. ↗

— Regina Griffin

#funny-quotes #humor #humorous #tags-funny-and-random #funny

He will not let you come barging in to his world like the proverbial bull in the china shop. ↗

— Laurell K. Hamilton

#funny

Jon: Our only thought is to entertain you! Garfield: Feed me. ↗

— Jim Davis

#garfield #funny

Poetry destroyed? Genius banished? No! Mediocrity, no: do not let envy prompt you to the thought. No; they not only live, but reign, and redeem: and without their divine influence spread everywhere, you would be in hell--the hell of your own meanness. ↗

— Charlotte Brontë

#genius #meanness #mediocrity #poetry #funny