#funny

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#because #boiling #drank #i #some

Writers don't get mad they get even in their novels. ↗

— Candace C. Bowen

#humor-quotes #humorous-quotes #quotes #sarcastic-quotes #witty-quotes

Critter: I was fairly relieved when Sea took off on her own. She was wearing some two-sizes-too-small T-shirt, practically forcing my eyes to home in on “the girls,” and all I could think was I’m going to turn into a pillar of salt. ↗

— Lara M. Zeises

#funny

The disc, being flat, has no real horizon. Any adventurous sailor who got funny ideas from staring at eggs and oranges for too long and set out for the antipodes soon learned that the reason why distant ships sometimes looked as though they were disappearing over the edge of the world was that they were disappearing over the edge of the world. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#funny

Strangers make restless bedfellows, especially when bedbugs are your only acquaintances. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #loneliness #promiscuity #funny

I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so. ↗

— Victor Borge

#funny #humor #humorous #requests #victor

Are you asking you asking me to undress Tris?" A nervous laugh gurgles from my throat. "only...partially ↗

— Veronica Roth

#funny #funny

This was not Aunt Dahlia, my good and kindly aunt, but my Aunt Agatha, the one who chews broken bottles and kills rats with her teeth. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#humor #jeeves #wooster #funny

Fate is a funny character. She puts obstacles in your path to see what character ye have. Life isn't fair,life is a test. ↗

— Melissa Francis

#funny

He's all right. His hair is cute." Jonas froze, his lobster fork halfway to his mouth. " Oh my God, you're in love." "I'm not in love." "'his hair is cute'? You never say anything nice about anyone. Coming from you, cute hair is a mating call." " I talked to the guy for thirty seconds. And then he waved at me while i was in the tank." "Holy fuck, you're getting married, aren't you!" " Will you simmer. I certainly am not. ↗

— MaryJanice Davidson

#humour #in-love #funny