#funny

I want to be the Everyman and take an IQ test and get a perfect 100. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #iq-test #jarod-kintz #funny

The other day I woke up to find my girlfriend already gone from the house, and a sticky note on the fridge that said, "I love you." "Oh my God," I thought. "Somebody's obsessed with me, and they kidnapped my girlfriend just to get closer to me. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#god #kidnapped #love #obsession #funny

People don't realize that I'm really funny and I'm an excellent bridge player. ↗

— Sheryl Crow

#excellent #funny #i #people #player

One of the lambs fixed its attention on Jared. “Baa,” it flirted. “Boo,” said Jared. “Oh my God, Jared. Don’t tough-talk the lambs.” "It was giving me a funny look. ↗

— Sarah Rees Brennan

#funny

From the first time I saw Sid Caesar be funny I knew that's what I had to do. ↗

— Billy Crystal

#first #first time #funny #had #i

She wished there was some place where she could go to hum it out loud. Some kind of music was too private to sing in a house cram fall of people. It was funny, too, how lonesome a person could be in a crowded house. ↗

— Carson McCullers

#funny

He stood and looked at me for a moment, taking in my outfit. "You look hot." "What? Me?" I stammered, completely flummoxed. "Yeah," he said, still looking at me. "Oh. Um, thank you. I mean, not that you don’t, but I’m not sure that you should—I mean …" "Oh, no," Roger said quickly, and I could see that he was blushing again. "No. I mean—I meant what you’re wearing. Are you going to be too warm? ↗

— Morgan Matson

#amy-roger-s-epic-detour #funny #roger #funny

You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid. ↗

— Larry David

#funny #inadequate #kid #know #you

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? ↗

— Phyllis Diller

#chance #housework #kill #take #take a chance

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. ↗

— Phyllis Diller

#accidentally #day #enjoyed #ever #gin