#funny

Spider venom comes in many forms. It can often take a long while to discover the full effects of the bite. Naturalists have pondered this for years: there are spiders whose bite can cause the place bitten to rot and to die, sometimes more than a year after it was bitten. As to why spiders do this, the answer is simple. It's because spiders think this is funny, and they don't want you ever to forget them. ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#spider-bites #spiders #funny

Oh, Zoeybird, did I call your mother's husband a damn turd monkey outloud?' 'Yes, Grandma, you did.' She looked at me, her dark eyes sparkling. 'Good. ↗

— P.C. Cast

#chosen #funny-things-grandparents-say #house-of-night #turd-monkey #funny

You know, there are just some things you never expect to face even on this job. A flying primate that shoots fire out its nose is one of them. ↗

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

#funny

I thrust the picture at his chest. He takes it and squints at it in the softening light. Then his eyes widen. "Holy shit," he breathes. "Is this the girl that ate you?" "Ha, no. You're funny." I snatch my picture back. "So I was super fat. It's my father's fault. He never hugged me." "So, what, you ate him? ↗

— Nicole Christie

#funny

You're serious?" "As a heart attack." I set my bag down and leaned on the counter. Okay, Hunter Zaccadelli, you could make me dinner. "Stuffed French toast, sweet potato hash and strawberries and cream." "Breakfast for dinner? You rebel, you. ↗

— Chelsea M. Cameron

#dinner #funny #hunter-zaccadelli #my-favorite-mistake #rebel

Sam grinned. He even laughed. "What's funny?" She demanded. "I figured something out before Astrid the Genius. I am totally enjoying that. I'm just going to gloat here for a minute." "Enjoy it, it may never happen again," Astrid said. ↗

— Michael Grant

#gone-series #michael-grant #funny

Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humanity #humor #funny

Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #trees #funny

Those myths about Zeus and Hercules were always so real to me; I was crushed to discover that Mt. Olympus has been overshadowed by global warming. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #greek-gods #humor #myths #funny

America is not a place. America is an idea that died along with my grandfather. And I’m sorry to say that I shot them both. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#died #funny #idea #funny