#funny

I’ll kill you with kindness. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll kill you with something deadlier, like a karate chop.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#death #funny #humor #karate #kill

I frowned as my fingers throbbed. “Wait a sec. There’s a chance I can’t work with fire and you let me do that?”“How else am I going to figure out your limitations?” “What the hell!” I pulled my hand free, furious. “That’s not cool, Blake. What’s next? Trying to stop a moving vehicle by standing in front of it, but whoops, I can’t do that and now I’m dead? ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#death-jokes #funny #ssupernatural #training #ya

I looked at the photo of me and my par­ents, ran my fin­ger­tips along the glass frame. I had just been born. We were still in the hos­pi­tal, and I looked more like a bur­rito with a face than like a baby. ↗

— Darynda Jones

#burrito #family #funny #death

Ish #19 "If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking? ↗

— Regina Griffin

#funny-but-true #funny-quotes #humor #humorous #diet

If god meant for people to talk into cellphones, he would've put our mouths on the side of our heads. ↗

— Devon Sampson

#intelligent-design #design

America has designated football as the international sport, but the rest of the world continues to apply the metric system inconsistently. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #metric-system #sports #design

I’ve often thought of becoming a professional hat designer. I’d make hats with many feathers, hats that wake you up in the morning, hats that lay eggs, and, most importantly, hats that can be eaten for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#dinner #feathers #funny-hats #lunch #strange

I’m very much down to earth, just not this earth. ↗

— Karl Lagerfeld

#designer #down-to-earth #earth #fashion #funny

If you're going to be a superhero, can I be your sidekick?" -April "What?" -Grace "The Dynamic Duo!" -April "Um, I'm pretty sure sidekicks have to have super powers, too. -Grace "Oh Yeah... Okay, but you can always use an Alfred." April "My Alfred?" -Grace "Oh come on Please I can help you design gadgets and stuff. Oh! I can design you outfits for crime fighting!" -April " *sigh* Okay. Sure. But no spandex" -Grace ↗

— Bree Despain

#design

I thought of becoming an interior designer, but I decided to just reorient my furniture so people will think I’m gay. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#homosexuality #humor #design