#funny

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#funny

Necrophilia is for those who arrive too late to say goodbye. Biophilia is for those who need a posthumous thrill out of life. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #necrophilia #funny

I guess I like things that take time and attention. More worthwhile that way. ↗

— Huntley Fitzpatrick

#humour #romance #young-adult #young-adult-romance #funny

The fastest way to lose weight is to find religion and start fasting.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #religion #weight-loss #funny

When you shout 'Let there be light!' every morning at dawn, that is when correlation implies creation. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#creation #funny #god #humor #funny

Eddie Drake is sort of this loose cannon, funny, edgy guy, who has this really foolish, foolish mustache. ↗

— Lee Tergesen

#drake #eddie #edgy #foolish #funny

I had a dream about you last night... you made a beard for yourself out of forty two bags of Twizzlers. ↗

— Nicole McKay

#dreams #funny #humor #life #relationships

About 100 things that your kid will do that will surprise you and break your heart and it will be a combination of fact based therapy, medically advised kinds of passages accompanied by celebrity anecdotes and just some funny stuff to lighten the load. ↗

— Alan Thicke

#accompanied #advised #anecdotes #based #break

It's funny - in elementary school, I went by Amber. I never liked Tiffani. ↗

— Tiffani Amber Thiessen

#elementary #elementary school #funny #i #liked

The thing about For Better or Worse is the only thing that made me an okay director for that is that I have a sense of humor, and it was supposed to be funny. ↗

— Jason Alexander

#better #director #funny #humor #i