#funny

You know, I don’t get why Fred and George only got three O.W.L.s each,” said Harry, watching as Fred, George, and Lee collected gold from the eager crowd. “They really know their stuff. . . .” “Oh, they only know flashy stuff that’s no real use to anyone,” said Hermione disparagingly. “No real use?” said Ron in a strained voice. “Hermione, they’ve got about twenty-six Galleons already. . . . ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#funny #george-weasley #useless-talents #funny

He patted my shoulder. "What's up with you? All of a sudden, you're bucking the system." "i got drunk and had an epiphany." "Shit, this is serious!" He gasped. "Last time that happened to me, i woke up gay. ↗

— J.C. Isabella

#funny #funny

Scott Waldron.' 'What?' Robbie's lip curled in a glimace of disgust. 'The jockstrap? Why, does he need you to teach him how to read?' I scowled at him. 'Just because he's captain of the football team doesn't mean you can be a jerk. Or are you jealous?' 'Oh, of course, that's it,' Robbie said with a sneer. 'I've always wanted the IQ of a rock. No, wait. That would be an insult to the rock... ↗

— Julie Kagawa

#funny

The best thing about dating a deaf woman with no nose is being able to fart in bed and have her not know. Well, that is unless Edmond tells her, but I don't think he will. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#dating

Don’t lick the guests, darling. Bad manners. ↗

— Patricia Briggs

#funny

I try not to laugh at the fact that even when she’s drunk, she has a hard time saying it. “Where do you want me to take you?” She drops her head back against my chest. “You can just keep carrying me. It’s very relaxing. ↗

— Jessica Sorensen

#funny #jessica-sorensen #kayden-and-callie #funny

Some girls want to be a princess when they grow up. I wanted to be in a bad bitch girl gang. ↗

— Natalia Kills

#bitch #funny #funny

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. ↗

— Will Rogers

#humor #mean #funny

Hasn’t anyone ever told you,” Jesse asked, in a semi-amused voice, “ that a gentleman never lays a hand on a lady?” Which I thought was kind of funny, considering where Jesse had had his hand the last time I’d seen him. But I thought it better to let that slide. ↗

— Meg Cabot

#funny

Yeah, I was thinking about taking one of those showers where you huddle in the corner fully clothed and cry," Archer offered. ↗

— Rachel Hawkins

#funny #sophie #funny