#funny

The inside is packed with people. Lots of them crowding the bar, passing drinks back for people to carry to tables. A bunch of guys are pouring shots of vodka. "To Zacharov!" one toasts. "To open hearts and open bars!" calls another. "And open legs," says Anton. ↗

— Holly Black

#funny

It's not a stereotype if it's always true. ↗

— Daniel Tosh

#daniel-tosh #funny #funny

All of a sudden Yutaka realized he had created a cloud of dust all around him. Oh no! No! This sucks. This blows more than your mama! Hey, now's not the time to come up with stupid jokes! ↗

— Koushun Takami

#funny #mama #yutaka #funny

Henry narrowed his eyes at me. "You going somewhere?" "Lacrosse field trip," I said. "I enjoy whacking the hell out of people with mallets. ↗

— Robin Benway

#laughed #funny

When I said it aloud, it sounded terribly creepy, which is why I had said it aloud. ↗

— Amanda Hocking

#creepy #funny #my-blood-approves #funny

I want to wear baby halos as hospital bracelets to protest abortion. I'll tell my doctor I don't need any treatment - I was born a survivor. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #funny

Its a good thing I'm here, big guy, because you have shit taste in friends." Okay, I said the last part intentionally, knowing how Aaron would react. And right on cue, Aaron said: "He's not my friend!" "Well, I guess that settles it, Nick. You're not going to be rebound guy because, despite your predictions of woe, Aaron and I aren't breaking up. I'd say that we'll see you around, but I doubt that'll happen since you don't even rate friend status. ↗

— Cardeno C.

#funny-as-hell #m-m-romance #funny

This shit is easy peasy, pumpkin peasy, pumpkin pie, muthafucka! ↗

— Gerard Way

#gerardway #peasy #pie #pumpkins #funny

Be what you would seem to be - or, if you'd like it put more simply - never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise. ↗

— Lewis Carroll

#wonderland #funny

My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #noon #random #random-thought