#funny

Haiku sounds like I'm Saying hi to someone named Ku. Hi, Ku. Hello. ↗

— Ellen DeGeneres

#haiku #funny

So now live for real, Craig. Live. Live. Live. Live. ↗

— Ned Vizzini

#funny

Eating a plain bagel with no cream cheese is like eating the inner tube of a bicycle tire, and I’d rather ride my roller skates to work. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bagel #funny #funny

He told me his last name was Green. “Green?” I asked. “Can you spell that for me? I’m colorblind. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #green #funny

I don't-" I shake my head. (...) "What? What were you going to say?" This is another trick of shrinks. They never let you stop in midthought. If you open your mouth, they want to know exactly what you had the intention of saying. ↗

— Ned Vizzini

#sadness #suicide #therapy #funny

What a funny watch!’ she remarked. ‘It tells the day of the month, and doesn’t tell what o’clock it is!’ ‘Why should it?’ muttered the Hatter. ‘Does YOUR watch tell you what year it is?’ ‘Of course not,’ Alice replied very readily: ‘but that’s because it stays the same year for such a long time together.’ ‘Which is just the case with MINE,’ said the Hatter. ↗

— Lewis Carroll

#funny

And who are you supposed to be? the King of snot-nosed delinquents? ↗

— Michael Buckley

#michael-buckley #ms-smurt #puck #funny

You're dropping the bow hand as you release," he called, although Halt certainly wasn't. His mentor looked around, saw him, and replied pithily, "I believe your grandmother needs lessons in sucking eggs. ↗

— John Flanagan

#funny

SHUT UP. Both of you. You're coming with me." To me he said, "Put some pants on." "Fuck you. This is my house. I make the rules. You take your clothes off. John, get the Twister mat. ↗

— David Wong

#funny #vulgar #funny

I never meant it," he was saying. "Never meant it to happen. Can't stand it, seeing her suffer. Must do something, do something... What do I do? What can I do...? ↗

— Rachel Caine

#funny #ghost-town #humor #morganville-vampires #myrnin