#funny

The thought of being with Shay Wilder makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a butter knife ↗

— Lisa McMann

#fade #funny #lisa-mcmann #dreams

In school we chanted, along with our teacher, I am the Captain of my fate, I am the Master of my soul, and meanwhile, within my own body, an anarchic insurrection had been launched by one of my privates- which I was helpless to put down! ↗

— Philip Roth

#anarchism

I had a dream about you. You were old, and I was an infant, yet we looked identical. And probably because I knew you were going to die soon, I decided to kill you. I told myself it was the merciful thing to do, but secretly I knew the truth—I’d murdered you for your diapers. 
 ↗

— Dora J. Arod

#dreams #funny #humor #life #relationships

My name is Mr. Brickton, and this brick, it weighs a ton.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

I shit bricks, because I’m a constructive pooper.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A brick could be used as a patsy in a murder plot.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Don’t look so worried. I’ve sailed the seven seas, and I’ve never had an unsuccessful adventure yet!” “Really? You’ve sailed all seven seas?” asked Darwin admiringly. “Every last one!” “What are the seven seas? I’ve always wondered.” “Aaarrr. Well, let’s see…” said the Pirate Captain, scratching his craggy forehead. “There’s the North Sea. And that other one, the one near Mozambique. And…what’s that one in Hyde Park?” “The Serpentine?” “That’s the one. How many’s that then? Three. Um. There’s the sea with all the rocks in it…I think they call it Sea Number Four. Then that would leave…uh…Grumpy and Sneezy…” Darwin was starting to look a little less impressed. “Would you look at that big seagull!” said the Pirate Captain, quickly ducking into a beach hut. ↗

— Gideon Defoe

#pirates #funny

The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay off my American Express Bill" - Peter Ustinov, 1921-2004 ↗

— Peter Ustinov

#random #funny

A brick could be used to decorate a house. And not just one brick, thousands could be stacked and affixed together and really make your house not only feel like a home, but less drafty too.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

It's sad to see old friends have to move away, but at the same time, you know the retirement home is the best place for them. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #funny