#funny

People say that you always have to tell the truth. But they do not mean this because you are not allowed to tell old people that they are old and you are not allowed to tell people if they smell funny or if a grown-up has made a fart. And you are not allowed to say, 'I don't like you,' unless that person has been horrible to you. ↗

— Mark Haddon

#funny

For most vampires, it's an automatic response - scent blood, fangs drop. ↗

— J.A. London

#funny #vampires #funny

California is a fine place to live, if you happen to be an orange. ↗

— Fred Allen

#funny

I want to hang from a tree the way Spanish moss hung from my father's face, like the mustache he was so embarrassed he couldn't grow. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#mustache #spanish-moss #funny

She was hearing the words. They just weren't registering on her Richter scale of sanity. ↗

— Dakota Cassidy

#hearing #humor #insanity #richter-scale #funny

Noise soup. I just made it. Taste it with your ears. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #noise #soup #taste #funny

Horace, who had been trying to find out the meaning of Kurokuma for some time now, was pleased to hear the translation. "Black bear," he repeated. "It's undoubtedly because I'm so terrible in battle." "I'd guess so," Will put in. "I've seen you in battle and you're definitely terrible. ↗

— John Flanagan

#nickname #ranger-s-apprentice #funny

Sorry. My friends didn't mention certain....details about you and you just wouldn't believe how nutty some people are. Just last week, I had a woman convinced her trailer was haunted by Tupac, as if he'd want to spend eternity in a double wide that smelled like cat piss. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#funny

I am, he thought dimly, watching a vampire take a piss. ↗

— Stephen King

#gross #vampire #funny

I have discovered that the easiest way to make my nose appear smaller is to wear a Speedo on my head. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #funny