#funny

I'm tired, I'm hungry and I have a head in a bag," I warned him. "Do not fuck with me. ↗

— Karen Chance

#head #death

Misogynist: one who respects women enough to let them keep to themselves; a feminist. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #mysogyny #respect

To get faster and better service, ring a bell. It’s the same principal as honking at someone in traffic. People respond well to it, and they seem to really enjoy it.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#better #considerate #customer-service #enjoy #faster

I said I’d drive to her place. But she lives in her car, so I don’t see why she couldn’t just drive her place to my place. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cars #compromise #funny #house #houses

I place a higher value on human life than on no human life. But only barely.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humanism #humanistic #humor #life #relationships

Let us find the dam snack bar," Zoe said. "We should eat while we can." Grover cracked a smile. "The dam snack bar?" Zoe blinked. "Yes. What is funny?" "Nothing," Grover said, trying to keep a straight face. "I could use some dam french fries." Even Thalia smiled at that. "And I need to use the dam restroom." ... I started cracking up, and Thalia and Grover joined in, while Zoe just looked at me. "I do not understand." "I want to use the dam water fountain," Grover said. "And..." Thalia tried to catch her breath. "I want to buy a dam t-shirt. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#funny

When someone wants to become an astronaut and others are skeptical that will ever happen, I suddenly understand why the world is too small for that person. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #love #dreams

When our dreams were nothing more than pancake batter, I was there for her, making breakfast. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #dreams

In school we chanted, along with our teacher, I am the Captain of my fate, I am the Master of my soul, and meanwhile, within my own body, an anarchic insurrection had been launched by one of my privates- which I was helpless to put down! ↗

— Philip Roth

#anarchism

I had a dream about you. You were old, and I was an infant, yet we looked identical. And probably because I knew you were going to die soon, I decided to kill you. I told myself it was the merciful thing to do, but secretly I knew the truth—I’d murdered you for your diapers. 
 ↗

— Dora J. Arod

#dreams #funny #humor #life #relationships