#funny

Newspapers represent everything that is wrong with the world, in a slant that is too accurate, on print that is too high-grade. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #newspapers #representation #funny

Everyone is always proclaiming the decline of civilization, but it takes a true prophet to look into his wine glass and embody it. ↗

— Bauvard

#decadence #funny #humor #prophets #funny

Women's hats contain so many possibilities for subtle sensual expression. When I wear one, it entices the opposite sex with erotic suggestions which they interpret without confusion and which I have never figured out. My wife is always able to predict when I'll forget our anniversary, how thin she’ll look on my birthday, and who ate her box of chocolates on Valentine's Day. Without my hat as her radar, I would have absolutely no insight into her total inexplicability. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #hats #humor #mysterious #women

JESSICA: When did you last go to London? HUGH: When I read a Dickens novel. That was when I resolved never to travel there. ↗

— Bauvard

#britain #dickens #funny #humor #london

The head is a clumsy, ill-proportioned monstrosity. It is the understudy in a watermelon-rolling contest. ↗

— Bauvard

#heads #humor #watermelons #funny

HUGH: …I was hit by a man driving a Japanese car. JESSICA: The scoundrel! How dare he not buy American. ↗

— Bauvard

#cars #funny #hit-and-run #humor #japanese

I explained that I'd been homeschooled but that didn't help. She must have been picturing cavemenlike supervillians in capes grunting and showing me how to rub two sticks together to make the pretty fire stuff. ↗

— Chelsea M. Campbell

#superhero #villain #funny

You humans, always eating. I'll make you soup. You can eat it while you keep working." Myrnin set aside his book and walked into the back of the lab. "Don't use the same beaker you used for poisons!" Claire yelled after him. He waved a pale hand. "I mean it! ↗

— Rachel Caine

#funny #ghost-town #humor #myrnin #rachel-caine

Renaldo once made a sex tape, and even fully erect, he still had to shoot it four times just to get some "footage. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#fiction #funny #humor #movies #sex

Blankets make great traps for the clinically insane, but a straightjacket might work better. ↗

— Nicole McKay

#brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny #humor