#funny

My smile wavers as I revert to my natural state of being: nervous and weird. ↗

All I could determine was that it must have been a nice thing to see if it was a house you were thinking about moving into. But not so nice if it was the house you were moving out from. I could practically hear Mr Collins, who had taught my fifth-grade English class and was still the most intimidating teacher I'd ever had, yelling at me. "Amy Curry," I could still hear him intoning, "never end a sentence with a preposition!" Irked that after six hears he was still mentally correcting me, I told the Mr. Collins in my head to off fuck. ↗

— Morgan Matson

#books #funny #humour #funny

Oh, hell, he'd look hot in a chicken suit. ↗

— Cyn Balog

#guys #hot #humor #funny

Orion nodded, then asked, “Dwarf cheese?” “Cheese made by dwarfs.” “Oh,” said Orion, relieved. “They make it. It’s not actually . . .” “No. What a horrible thought.” “Exactly. ↗

— Eoin Colfer

#dwarfs #funny #orion #funny

Rhiannon's Law #16: If it looks like a rabbit, and it hops like a rabbit, run the other way and fast. That shit is liable to tear you arm off. ↗

— J.A. Saare

#funny #humor #humour #rabbit #funny

If I were alone with my clone, and we were enjoying each others' solitude, I'd have finally have met a man with whom I could hold a conversation consisting entirely of the repetitive response, "Yes, I agree! ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#conversation #funny #solitude #funny

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious ↗

— Peter Ustinov

#funny

You'd be surprised how expensive it costs to look this cheap. ↗

— Steven Tyler

#clothing #funny #humor #tacky #funny

Put your memories on the shelf. Then, when your hippocampus is floating in a jar, admit you never really knew anybody. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #memory #funny

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened. ↗