#funny

When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone in a dream, I saw the future. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #future #humor #love #lust

Zebrowski says that if you killed someone else just hide the body, he's not starting over on the paperwork. ↗

— Laurell K. Hamilton

#bad-ass #funny #dreams

On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #murder #surreal #dreams

Yo, beautiful. Come pop this collar off me.” Natalya hissed, “Are you mad?” “What’s she gonna do? Vivisect me? Imprison me? We’ve got a pact to fulfill,remember?” To Dorada, she cried, “Seriously, sweetheart, shake that mummified ass over here.” Regin kicked the glass. “Lemme the fuck out—” La Dorada swung her head around,peering at Regin with her one eye. “Okay. That’s freaky. Lookit, Gollum, if you spring me, I’ll help you find your Precious. ↗

— Kresley Cole

#funny #gollum #humor #kresley-cole #regin

I had a dream about you last night. I could fly. I was going to use this power to impress you, but you were too heavy to carry, so I won you over with my personality instead ↗

— Michael Summers

#dreams #funny #humor #life #relationships

I had a dream about you. We were fishing in the Utah desert. You caught a dinosaur, but due to Federal regulations, we had to release the bones so Ted Kennedy could drive back to the cemetery, drunk.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#dreams #funny #humor #life #relationships

I had a dream about you last night. We were plug sockets in the bedroom. We saw only a short part of their day, but we knew everything of it. ↗

— Michael Summers

#dreams #funny #humor #life #relationships

Love doesn’t spend its time watering your plants. But it might bubblegum swank monkey mouth with you—twice. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #love #surreal #age

I am a love factory. I make love out of high quality plastics at an affordable price. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #love #age

She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names. That’s life. That’s love. That’s fiscally irresponsible.
 ↗

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

#baby #baby-names #birth #condoms #fiscally-irresponsible