#funny

If I had eyebrows like two rainbows, I’d probably make love like a leprechaun. But it’s cool, because with that pot of gold, I’d have plenty of money to pay the prostitute.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #eyebrows #funny #gold #humor

If I were a taxi cab driver, as lots of writers supposedly are, and my boss were to tell me that I couldn’t read on the job, I’d obediently go around running every STOP sign. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #job #logic #obediently

Travis: I didn’t know they made permanent makeup. I looked like a clown for a month. Connor: Yeah. They put a curse on me so that no matter what I wore, my clothes were two sizes too small and I felt like a geek. Travis: You are a geek. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#funny #twins #funny

Peter was not with them for the moment, and they felt rather lonely up there by themselves. He could go so much faster than they that he would suddenly shoot out of sight, to have some adventure in which they had no share. He would come down laughing over something fearfully funny he had been saying to a star, but he had already forgotten what it was, or he would come up with mermaid scales still sticking to him, and yet not be able to to say for certain what had been happening. It was really rather irritating to children who had never seen a mermaid. ↗

— J.M. Barrie

#flying #laughter #mermaid #neverland #peter-pan

No such word as can't. No such word as babagoozle neither! ↗

— Charlie Higson

#funny

Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #funny

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck chlamydia? ↗

— Sarah Mlynowski

#sarah-mlynowski #std #ten-things-we-did #funny

I have this horrible sense of humor where I think discomfort is funny - partly because I experience discomfort a lot, and it's a way of laughing at it and getting a release. ↗

— Joaquin Phoenix

#discomfort #experience #funny #getting #horrible

Will you quit shouting and let me bleed in peace! ↗

— Ransom Riggs

#humor #funny

You know who DOES have a funny bone in her body? Your Mom every night for a dollar! ↗

— Tina Fey

#funny