#funny

I’ve been practicin’ my morgue face for when I have to go identify your body. Wanna see it?” Nick said then he arranged his face in this kind of mock, sad, shocked look and slowly shook his head like a world with vigilante social workers mystified him. ↗

— Kristen Ashley

#funny

Of course I wasn't abused. If I were; things would be so simple. I'd have a reason to for being in a shrinks office. I'd have a justification and something to work on. The world wasn't going to give me something that tidy. ↗

— Ned Vizzini

#funny

Irene gasped. "Have you taken leave of your senses, Stuart?" she hissed. "Have you?" Stuart closed his eyes. "No," he said. "Au contraire." It was strong language for the Edinburgh New Town, but he had to say it. "Don't au contraire me," said Irene. But it was too late. He had. ↗

— Alexander McCall Smith

#funny

Are you always an asshole?" "No. There's just something about you that brings it out in me." I cocked my brow at him. "You're right. I lied. I'm always an asshole. ↗

— Nyrae Dawn

#funny #funny

No sticky till I no longer feel icky, you feel me? ↗

— Ethan Day

#luke #owen #funny

And if that is the Foremast, what do you think that sail might be called, Mr. Wheeler?" "The Foresail?" "Very good, Mr. Wheeler, and the next one up would be called..." ..."The Next Sail, Sir?" "Alas, no, Mr. Wheeler. ↗

— L.A. Meyer

#sails #under-the-jolly-roger #funny

Civilization begins with distillation ↗

— William Faulkner

#clever #faulkner #funny #funny

I am too much alien and not enough monkey to fit in here. ↗

— Melissa St. Hilaire

#fitting-in #funny #monkey #funny

How did you not know they broke up? You usually monitor his social media like he's al-Qaeda and you're the CIA. ↗

— Heather Cocks

#social-media #ya-lit #funny

Furthermore--though it was quite irrelevant now--he had no idea his killer, Kazuo Kiriyama, had, in his mansion that was much larger than Toshinori's home in Shiroiwa-cho, mastered the violin at a level far superior to Toshinori's a long time ago--and then tossed his violin into the trash. ↗

— Koushun Takami

#kazuo #violin #funny