#funny

Men were good for one thing only. Killing spiders. Other than that, I was on my own. It was sad though. Where was the chivalry of yesteryear? ↗

— Kate Carlisle

#funny #kate-carlisle #funny

Love liberates one from the oppression of independence. It locks one out of the egalitarianism of solitary confinement. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #love #prison #freedom

Adamant," Doren said proudly, handing over the shield. "We fished it out of the tar pit where we found the shirt of mail." "Probably all belonged to the same careless adventurer," Newel speculated. "Too much money, not enough talent. ↗

— Brandon Mull

#humor #money #talent #funny

Especially well known around the office is my weakness for dyspareunist women. Most people would find such disparity in unity repelling, but it harmonizes perfectly with my personal tastes. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #harmony #funny

...what was the good of being a movie werewolf? You howled at the moon; you couldn't remember what you did, and then somebody shot you. ↗

— Anne Rice

#werewolf-tales #wolf-man #funny

It's like one of those scenes from a feel-good Hollywood movie. Where everybody is happy and nobody's hair fizzes in the wind. Where it doesn't rain, your shoes stay comfortable all day, and everybody's jokes are funny. ↗

— Randa Abdel-Fattah

#feel-good #friends #happy #funny

He checked out his surrounding. More books. A drinking fountain. A poster showing a guy slam-dunking a basketball with one hand and holding a book in the other, urging kids to READ! Weird, thought Steve. How can he even see the hoop? ... You see, Steven, Librarians are the most elite, best trained secret force in the United States of America. Probably in the world." "No way." "Yes way." "What about the FBI?" "Featherweights." "The CIA?" Mackintosh snorted. "Don't make me laugh. Those guys can't even dunk a basketball andd read a book at the same time. ↗

— Mac Barnett

#fbi #funny #librarians #funny

The results of each Brick and Blanket test are so unique to each person that I’d be willing to bet (with your money, of course) that if you lined up two monozygotic twins, two clones of John Cleese, and Newton and Leibniz, no pair of answers would be identical. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

I'm considering whether or not to believe you. I need to run an algorithm on this." "That's not funny." "You might be trying to trick me into sleeping with you. ↗

— Jessica Park

#funny

I’m not going to fucking calm down. I’m going to hunt that bastard down and murder him.” “Oh fuck,” Hank rocked back on his heels, his eyes went to the ceiling, his hands went to his hips. “What?” I asked. “Nothin’.” “What?” I asked, louder. His eyes came back to me. “You aren’t huntin’ anyone down.” “Wel … no,” I said, staring at him like he was crazy. “I was just saying that because I’m mad as hell. I wouldn’t begin to know how to hunt him down.” ↗

— Kristen Ashley

#funny